Oy Vey

Reader(s) may recall last weekend where I got EVERYTHING done off my to-do list. It was a triumphant moment at Casa Mak.
Yesterday, I started battling a headache around 3pm and after a stop at PetSmart I pulled into the driveway and got the mail.
There was an envelope, quite different from the one that Steve got, from the passport agency.
I open it op.
“Dear Stephanie Mak,
(blah blah blah)… can not process your application at this time due to FAILURE TO SIGN THE APPLICATION.”

Aw poo-on-a-stick.

In quite possibly, the quickest turn-around time ever, the application (signed, natch) is back in the mail.

In other news, this is the last weekend Steve has homework!
Wednesday is his last class and he’ll be the proud owner of an MBA (that’s a Masters in Business Arts)!

Also, if you need some humor to brighten your day, I recommend http://www.comixed.com/

Please. Don’t. Not the Lunges! NOT THE LUNGES!!!

It’s been about two weeks since I’ve gotten back into better habits such as: limiting the pasta intake, using the steamer, thinking about what goes in my pie hole, drinking much more water, going to the gym, playing Wii Fit…

While highly illogical, I always envision that I would work out at night and in the morning be so magically slim that I can’t wear pants to work because they’re too baggy.
See, here’s the thing too, I have a reverse body-image-problem… when I think of myself, I see me as Christmas 2007 Stephanie (when I felt like I looked decent) but when I see photos, I’m Photo-of-Which-We-Do-Not-Speak-of 2000 Stephanie.
We do not talk about the photo as I look like the seams of my clothes are going to pop open at any moment; I was in denial that I had to buy larger sized clothes.  I should have been buying size 12 or 14 and I was smooshing into an 8. So when I dropped down to an 8, I wrote on the back of the photo “Never Again” I put it on my mirror as a reminder.
Hell lot of good that did. Not that I’m a 12/14 today, in fact, these pants didn’t require wiggling to don, I’m just not close to Christmas 2007.

I know there’s a happy smaller Stephanie hidden in there, she’s probably hiding behind the ice cream… so, knowing I need help, I called… a personal trainer. Plus, how am I planning on hauling all of my stuff around Europe if I can’t do 10 push-ups?

Lament is due to set in around 2 hours as we go through the rigorous embarrassment of pinching my sides to get a BMI, taking the tape around the parts of my body I hate even thinking about and probably passing out on the treadmill.

It’s the right thing to do, I am disappointed that I let “Never Again” come back.

So, around 615pm EST, think of me if your quads start to hurt, for the trainer is probably making me do lunges AND I HATE LUNGES.

Inside the StopBouncing Studio

Taking a cue from thatgirl over at  standing by, we’ll pretend that I’m so interesting that I’ve been interviewed by James Lipton of “Inside the Actors Studio”…

1. What is your favorite word?
I don’t know that I have a favorite word… “Warmth”… does that work?

2. What is your least favorite word?
“Rory”. Because it’s hard for me to pronounce. Also, “hamburger”, for reasons unknown.

3. What turns you on creatively, spiritually or emotionally?
Playing off someone else; Whether it’s seeing something happen, watching people, wondering how whatever-it-is-got-wherever-it-is, making up stories…

4. What turns you off creatively, spiritually or emotionally?
Repression/Failure. But then again, isn’t that the point?
(“Help help! I’m being Repressed!”)

5. What is your favorite curse word?
“Shit”, Without a doubt.
I’ve taken keen to saying “Well shit on a stick!” when things don’t go my way. I’ve been trying to use “poo” more.

6. What sound or noise do you love?
The tips of tall field grasses touching one another in a gentle breeze.
(Come on now, you didn’t think I could be all gloom and doom!)

7. What sound or noise do you hate?
“I can’t”.
Ugh. JUST TRY!

8. What profession other than your own would you like to attempt?
In the perfect world (in my head) I would travel around the world, photograph what I’ve seen, write about what I’ve done and cooked such as the locals.

9. What profession would you not like to do?
Geriatric Respite Care

10. If Heaven exists, what would you like to hear God say when you arrive at the Pearly Gates?
“I knew you couldn’t screw up that much. Come on in! It’s happy hour!”

Fellow bloggers, readers, and lurkers, it’s your turn.

Match Game

I have a super fun game to play with you!
First, I will post two conversations and two groups of people. Then, you guess which people had which conversation.

Group A)
“Hey!”
“Hey!”
“We have some super exciting news!”
“Yeah? What?”
“Well, I’m NOT pregnant…” *laughter all around* “WE’RE GOING TO EUROPE!!!”
(follow with banter back and forth of who-what-where-when)

Gr0up B)
“Hey.”
“Hey.”
“Though you’d like to know, we booked our tickets for Europe.”
“And which country are you making me a grandbaby in?”

People 1) Steve’s Parents
People 2) My Parents

****
I do totally wish I was making this up.
Well, not the Europe part because that’s REAL.
IT’S REAL.
I’M GOING TO EUROPE!!!!

Saturday To-Do, Are-Done

Boy, it’s quarter after two in the afternoon (I’ve been up since before 7 IMAGINE THAT) and I’ve learned so much today!

1) Lab Work
Not freaking the hell out about blood work makes it a lot more bearable.
However, the after effect (bruising and achiness) remains regardless of banshee status.

2) Pillows
People who never care about pillows pick out the best (read: expensive) pillows and people who do use pillows think that rather than buying a new pillow, they should just switch with people who don’t use pillows.
Er, Steve’s pillow (which he doesn’t use) is AWESOME, but I can’t being myself to spend $45 on a pillow (he got his on sale), so I will steal take borrow his.

3) Passport Photos
I was really lucky my first time around… this time.. well, I still look german, but I also look like I should kick your ass.
There is not enough eye bleach.
This extra weight is not making me ver photogenic.

4) Weight Loss
Sometimes, giving your all isn’t enough to wake up 15 pounds lighter.

5) Rain
It gives me a headache and for some reason, upsets my stomach.

6) Naps
Underrated weekend activity

7) Other
Today I also:   mowed the lawn, purchased jeans (which I loved as soon as I put on), drank three comically large glasses of water, enjoyed a Mediterranean sandwich from Panera for lunch, got my glasses adjusted, sent a card to Grandma & Grandpa  and attempted to load the stupid software for my webcam (fail).

Cheap Hourly Rates

After yet another  night of not sleeping well, Steve decides to be crafty and put something over the clock, an attempt to thawrt my near-hourly clock watching.

It worked for a while, but then I heard this howling noise… crazy howling.
If you’ve heard this howling, you know what I’m talking about…
CAT IN HEAT.

Cheep raytes

Someone, who I would enjoy having a stern talking to, decided that a cat in heat was too much for them to handle, so they let the cat out.
I have never in the six years we’ve been here, heard cats in heat… coincidentally, the previous squatter-drug-runner-house at the end of the street* finally sold and now looks like a used car lot. (note to self, take photos of house) Also, the White Trash (mullets anyone?) Has a number of  dogs and suddenly there are cats in the area… I digress.

Around 1 am, Steve and Bailey are snoring, I’m tossing around into the umpteeth position of the night and the howling started.
At first I thought it was kids in the park, but then I realized it was a cat.
Seeing as I was up anyway, I started to figure out how to [ethically] get the cat out from under my deck.

Option 1) Send out Bailey
Wait, I’d have to wake her up, get her downstairs and what if that cat has rabies and claws…

Option 2) Send out Steve
I’d have to wake HIM up and well, that probably wouldn’t happen.

Option 3) I could go out
No.

I walk to the window.
“mmmmrrraaawwwwww ooooohhhhhrrrraaawwww eeerrrrooommmeeehhh”
“REALLY?! REALLY?!”
And the cat ran away.
For about a half hour.

And then I realized… a cat in heat attracts male cats… male cats who don’t want to share territory…
At least it’s scheduled to rain for the next 40 days.

Come and get it boys!

*Our ‘hood is by no means “bad”, but every neighborhood has “That House” and our area’s was at the end of our street.

“What’s That Smell?” OR This Month’s Assignment

Natalie over at CWG assigned this months assignment, and unlike last month, where I was early, I am eeking in under the wire here.
Here’s the deal:  Take a photograph of the inside of your refrigerator.  NO DOCTORING the photos by taking out the junk food or running to the farm market tomorrow morning to stock the larder with fresh veggies.  I’m looking for honesty…and I want to make sure that my fridge isn’t the worst offender out there.

dun dun dun!

Okay, for starters, my kitchen is about 10 times longer than it is wide justifying the crooked.
Also, I have my oven mitts on the door of the fridge because only the basement would be further away from the stove and really, what sense would THAT make.
We’re very His-N-Hers with everything. For example, I hate monkeys (thus the creepy baby monkey magnet) and I’m moody, so a Happy Bunny mood indicator just makes sense… right?

Meanwhile, I’ll blame the lateness of this post on 1) It’s so humid here that I’m sticking to my laptop 2) I’m lazy 3) I tend to think my fridge is boring.
At least I’ll be able to remedy issue #3…

Hallo everyonebody!
BaileyBean here n I gets to show you the mostest MAJICAL machine in the WHHHHHHOOOLLEEe haus.
Dis is he “fridge”.
I likes it cuz it holds my gurmet fuds and lettuce!

I loves lettuce!

And it hols offer stuff too and well, I has to go over here nows.
(dammit….)
Well, she knows she’s not getting any of MY lettuce!

Use Sparingly

Well, here we have “milk”. I say “milk” as “milk” because it’s skim and Steve (who, BTW, doesn’t really grocery shop) doesn’t seem to think that it qualifies as milk…  I happen to be a fan of dressings and sauces, thus, the crazy amount condiments.

ewwww, processed meat

And here is where Steve’s pre-lunch is kept… all processed meats and processed cheese and oh, wait, the sour cream and spray butter are mine…

bottom`

top

And we’ll end the tour with my FAVORITE part of the fridge, THE FREEZER

mmm, beans

I love the freezer because it feels like a treasure hunt!
Most of the veggies are kept on the door (because I use them so much) but on the top shelf? Oh, it’s the top shelf! We have frozen shot glasses, little liquors, popcicles and let’s not forget the wide assortment of ice packs for when I get hurt.

hmm.

well, okay, so, behind the fries is a STACK of icky swanson dinners (because his highness enjoys them, ick)… and more vegetables… oh, and some leftover frozen yogurt? Wait, that’s got to be um, disposed of… excuse me while I whip this out.

Piece de la Assistance

Okay, remember that time that I saved your cat from that house fire?
Or when I posed as you and Vinny “Knuckles” broke my leg instead of yours?
Or when I helped you dump that body into the lake…
Well now, I’m asking for a favor from YOU.

Saturday, I participated in the Worldwide Photo Walk. Out of 100 photos, about 25 were usable (being that they weren’t too washed out/crooked/blurry/etc.) and there are a couple I am thinking of entering.
Problem(s) is/are: I can only enter two photos and my laptop’s LCD is silly and I can’t seem to view the photos in any kind of “true” viewing. (yes,I’ve futzed with the screen contrast)
So, here are the photos I like, you tell me which ones you like and whichever gets the most vote(s) will be sent in. I have to submit by the 25th, so, by Thursday, I’ll stop counting votes.

Building #1 (photo ID 23)

Building #2 (Photo ID24)

Demolition #1 (Photo ID 18)

Demolition #2 (Photo ID 17)

Mandatory Flower (Photo ID 82)

And the whole lot of [non-blurry, less wrong] photos is here. You know, in case there’s something that I was all “meh.” about and you are all “Neat!” about.

P.S.
With the exception of cropping and rotating, I don’t use any photo-altering-software.

Reason #684 Why I Married Him

Sweet Daffy sent me the following email.
I forwarded it over to Steve and he replied (in red).

*****

SUMMER Classes for Men at THE ADULT LEARNING CENTER
REGISTRATION MUST BE COMPLETED by Saturday, July 25, 2009NOTE: DUE TO THE COMPLEXITY AND DIFFICULTY LEVEL OF THEIR CONTENTS,
CLASS SIZES WILL BE LIMITED TO 8 PARTICIPANTS MAXIMUM

Class 1
How To Fill Up The Ice Cube Trays–Step by Step, with Slide
Presentation.
Meets 4 weeks, Monday and Wednesday for 2 hours beginning at 7:00 PM.
I get a waiver due to an automatic ice dispenser in the freezer.

Class 2
The Toilet Paper Roll–Does It Change Itself? Round Table Discussion.
Meets 2 weeks, Saturday 12:00 for 2 hours.
Due to the difficulty of this, one a sign will be generated above the toilet paper roll to eliminate my responsibility as follows:

If toilet paper roll turns into cardboard then:

1. Check the closet for spares. In no spare is found go to #2

2. Scream for help. If no one answers then proceed to step #3

3. Find alternative method of cleaning. Do not use anything that is attached to the house or may cause the transportation of poop to someone else ie. towels or bath rugs.

4. Proceed to shopping outlet and purchase a ton of toilet paper.

Class 3
Is It Possible To Urinate Using The Technique Of Lifting The
Seat and Avoiding The Floor, Walls and Nearby Bathtub?–Group Practice.
Meets 4 weeks, Saturday 10:00 PM for 2 hours.
Does this include sword fights*?Class 4
Fundamental Differences Between The Laundry Hamper and The
Floor–Pictures and Explanatory Graphics.
Meets Saturdays at 2:00 PM for 3 weeks.
I may need more than 3 weeks. I even bought more hampers and they still don’t pick up my clothes.

Class 5
Dinner Dishes–Can They Levitate and Fly Into The Kitchen Sink?
Examples on Video.
Meets 4 weeks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours beginning at 7:00 PM
Why get married then?

Class 6
Loss Of Identity–Losing The Remote To Your Significant Other. Help
Line Support and Support Groups.
Meets 4 Weeks, Friday and Sunday 7:00 PM
This problem has also been solved. I have 3 spare universal remotes**.

Class 7
Learning How To Find Things–Starting With Looking In The Right Places
And Not Turning The House Upside Down While Screaming. Open Forum
Monday at 8:00 PM, 2 hours.
Sign me up!

Class 8
Health Watch–Bringing Her Flowers Is Not Harmful To Your
Health. Graphics and Audio Tapes.
Three nights; Monday, Wednesday, Friday at 7:00 PM for 2 hours.
Allergies – It is a heredity thing. I can’t control nature.

Class 9
Real Men Ask For Directions When Lost–Real Life Testimonials.
Tuesdays at 6:00 PM Location to be determined
N-S-E-W: Men understand how to use a compass. I sometimes just take the long way because I never know what new things I may find.

Class 10
Is It Genetically Impossible To Sit Quietly While She Parallel Parks?
Driving Simulations.
4 weeks, Saturdays noon, 2 hours.
I need help with this one. I get the feeling similar to a cross between embarrassment and I actually may die***.

Class 11
Learning to Live–Basic Differences Between Mother and Wife. On-line
Classes and role-playing
Tuesdays at 7:00 PM, location to be determined
Not sure about this one. Need more info.

Class 12
How to be the Ideal Shopping Companion Relaxation Exercises, Meditation
and Breathing Techniques.
Meets 4 weeks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours beginning at 7:00 PM.
Sign Stephanie up****

Class 13
How to Fight Cerebral Atrophy–Remembering  Anniversaries and Other
Important Dates and Calling When You’re Going To Be Late. Cerebral Shock
Therapy Sessions and Full Lobotomies Offered.
Three nights; Monday, Wednesday, Friday at 7:0 0 PM for 2 hours.
Well I wait until Stephanie looks angry then I check the calender. Its like an ANDON signal.Class 14
The Stove/Oven–What It Is and How It Is Used. Live Demonstration.
Tuesdays at 6:00 PM, location to be determined.
Is that the thing under the Microwave?

Upon completion of any of the above courses, diplomas will be issued to
the survivors.

*This is where two men pee at the same time and “fight” with urine. And this is not gay?
** I (Stephanie) would like to mention that the bedroom remote has been MIA for a week now and we’ve been watching The Biography Channel because neither one of us wants to get back out of bed to change the channel.
*** I (Stephanie) HATE driving driving with Steve. I.E. “Why are you tailgating?”, “Could you stop any faster?”, “You missed a spot right there?”, “You DO know what the speed limit is here, don’t you?”, “We’ll never get there if you keep driving below the speed limit.”, “Don’t you need to get gas?”
**** I (Stephanie) am notorious for being a pissy little brat when we go shopping. I just hate people.

I’m Not Even Asking for Consistancy Here…

Living in Buffalo-ish-esque for most of my life, I understand that the lake makes for unpredictable weather.
HOWEVER, in my listening to three [radio] stations this morning I heard three different versions of the weather.

Weather Dude 1)
Rain showers this morning, increasing this afternoon with thunderstorms overnight, diminishing by morning and a chance of showers tomorrow. High tomorrow is 68 degrees.

Weather Dude 2)
A chance of rain today, possibility of scattered showers and thunderstorms tonight and it’s looking like there’s a chance of scattered showers again tomorrow, but it shouldn’t be a complete wash-out. Tomorrow’s high, around 70.

Weather Dude 3)
Showers and thunderstorms today, especially this evening and overnight and scattered showers tomorrow. Tomorrow’s highs will be between 65 and 70 degrees.

Then again, these are the same outlets that can’t agree on if/when/where there is traffic.
Also, it could be downpouring and The Weather Channel will say there’s a 50%  chance of rain within the next hour.

So, here’s Stephanie’s Weekend Forecast)
There is a chance of it raining, but there’s also a chance it will not rain. It could be chilly, depending on what you consider seasonable and chilly. The chance of snow is 0%. It may be sunny to partly cloudy, with a few breaks of sun and/or clouds.

Do tell, is your local weather this unpredictable?

(P.S. When I was 13, I wanted to be a meteorologist.)
—————-
Now playing: Morrissey – Suedehead
via FoxyTunes