Game Plan, Game Face

18 12 2009

At this point, I would hire John Williams to orchestrate some kind of pomp and fanfare piece.
Why?

Because today is D-day.

Crap

Today, after the company luncheon, I will be once again braving…. *dum dum buuuuummmmm* Mega Mall. *cymbal crash*
*Volins, gently crescendo-ing*
The time has come.
Plus, I’ll already be out that way.
And hopefully I can get there early enough to get things done before the crowds rush in.

*trumpets blaring*
I do not have a list, parsay, but that’s how I typically shop.
Candles for SMS, Coffee something or other for SDS…
Best Buy and JC Penny’s rewards certificates have been printed off.

*Timpani roll*
However, I do have my “white elephant” gift purchased.
And I have a direct ship to M&D en route.

*cacophony*
However, we are still treeless (rumor has it this will change tomorrow), decoration-free and baking-less.
Maybe I should pick up a gingerbread candle.

And you, dear reader,  how goes your holiday traditions?

P.S.
Apparently not globe-hopping creates boring dreams.
Last night, I was in a laundromat, trying to find a  machine that would take Euros and dispense quarters so I could dry my comforter and warm a jar of pasta sauce.
Also, I watched my laundry go around.
And there were a disproportionate number of washers to dryers.





Why is my Name an Ugly Whatever?

29 11 2009

U
G

L
Y
My name ain’t got no alibi, it’s UGLY!

No, no, not my actual name, I’m quite fond of it (despite when I was 11 and wanted to change my name to Tiffany, but that’s for another time)… however, with the new trend of naming items, namley clothes, after people, my name has become ugly.

Examples:

“Stephanie” by softspots shoes
I hear this is a dress by “Type Z”
“Cindy Says”, but Stephanie Says WTF

 

Just what I've never wanted to be named after

Really? Why?

Really? Why? I don't care if it's chocolate.

However, I will say that the stemware (which I own) is allowed to have my namesake, mainly because it’s brimmed in platinum.

YES! YES! YES!

Yes. YES. YES!

Please tell me that you share a name with something uglier than a chocolate shoe covered in fake flowers.

 





Searching

29 10 2009

It’s not something I hide… my lack of conventional religion.
However, being the curious creature that I am, I often find myself listening to Catholic Radio when there’s nothing musically intriguing on the dial.
Often, these sessions leave me with more questions than answers and I find myself wondering why I listen… I hardly agree with what is being said, thinking that what I call chance some call Divine Intervention.
I guess it’s more of a trying-to-see-it-from-the-other-side. What is it that makes religions so rampant?
Perhaps it’s part of me thinking/wondering if I’m missing something in my life (Nat, so help me if you say “babies!”). Am I shorting myself because I don’t get faith and all things church/mosque/temple related? Why is this not a big deal to me?

Not that I’m looking for answers to questions, but what do you find yourself doing that you don’t know why you do it?





FTW… (that’s “For The Win” for you non-slangers)

31 08 2009

In the long list of things Stephanie Doesn’t Like to Talk About (mainly because this particular topic infuriates her so)…
Setting the wayback machine for Spring 2004
*wavy lines signifying time travel*

I’m planning my wedding.
Our parents have decided that they’re going to split the cost of the reception and thanks to my college fund, Steve and I are able to pick up a number of other wedding related expenses.
The call comes when Dad and I discuss who shall be invited from his side of the family.

Let it be known across the land that I have never been close to Dad’s side.
Sure, I went to visit his brother in California, but it’s not like we’re sending each other photos and emails…
His younger sister (Herein refered to as The Most Evil Aunt) used to babysit me. She’d make fun of my speech impediment and for not knowing words that weren’t in a 6-year-olds vocabulary (“Are you and Mindy bosom buddies?!”). And in an instance that is too weird not to be true, she sat me down in her guest room and insisted I hot glue tacky decorations for her craft business… a mini-sweatshop if you would.
His older brother (a lawyer) finagled a way to screw Dad’s share of grandma’s will.
His older sister would mock me in front of the family, asking me to read junk mail to prove that I could in fact read.
Don’t even get me started on Dad’s mom.

I digress.
Dad is insistent that I invite his family to the wedding.
“Dad. I do not want them there [at the wedding].”
“Stephanie, I am paying for half of it and if I would like my family invited, I think they should be invited.”
“I don’t like them.”
“They’re family.”
“It’s a wedding reception, not a fucking picnic.”
Eventually, I relented and agreed to send out invitations to his jerk family.
The brother in Cali couldn’t make it, but sent me the Pier 1 kitchen table I registered for.
The Lawyer couldn’t make it, but sent a gift.
The evil sisters RSVP’d that they would be attending (The Most Evil Aunt +2 kids and a husband, Evil Aunt + husband).

When the time came to put together the seating arrangements, I made sure that Dad’s family was seated at Table 9… you HAVE seen “The Wedding Singer”, right?

The week of the wedding arrives and I’ve decided that I’m going to extend the olive branch one last time.
I went to the hotels in the area that I listed for out-of-towners to drop off welcome baskets of wine, snacks, etc.
However… there’s no one with any of Dad’s family at any of the hotels… nor, does anyone with that name have reservations.

Thursday before the wedding, Dad is sitting at my kitchen table.
He’s upset.
The Most Evil Aunt EMAILED him to tell him that they were no longer coming to the wedding. Not only were they not coming, the evil aunt was not coming either.
In a fit unseen by the East Coast (until that Saturday, “You get to the store, you get a shirt and a fitting tuxedo, I AM GETTING MARRIED IN FOUR HOURS!”) I told Dad in no uncertain terms that I was done with his family and I do not and will not have anything else to do with them.

*Tunnel vision transporting us back to today*

I log onto facebook.
“OH! A friend request! *click* ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME?!?! HAHHAHAHHAHA. Denied.”
It’s true.
The Most Evil Aunt wanted to be Facebook friends.
And I said no.
AND IT FELT GREAT.





Titles and Monikers, Oh My!

4 08 2009

(I may be sorry about the double posting, but mostly likely I am not.)

After seating a client in the conference room and providing him a glass of water, I hear this: “… have your girl out there make a copy of this…”

Girl?
GIRL?!
What am I? 12?

omg ponies and stickers and myspace!

omg ponies and stickers and myspace!

But then I thought about it… what WOULD I want to be referred to as?
“”… have your receptionist out there make a copy of this…” (Accurate)
“… have your lady out there make a copy of this…” (Too old)
“… have your admin out there make a copy of this…” (More Accurate)

Maybe “girl” is only okay amongst other people of the same age… kind of like The N Word… you can’t use it unless you’re part of the demographic.

So, reader(s) when you refer to someone, what moniker/title do you use?
What do you dislike being referred to as?
What do you prefer to be referred to as?





Reason #684 Why I Married Him

17 07 2009

Sweet Daffy sent me the following email.
I forwarded it over to Steve and he replied (in red).

*****

SUMMER Classes for Men at THE ADULT LEARNING CENTER
REGISTRATION MUST BE COMPLETED by Saturday, July 25, 2009NOTE: DUE TO THE COMPLEXITY AND DIFFICULTY LEVEL OF THEIR CONTENTS,
CLASS SIZES WILL BE LIMITED TO 8 PARTICIPANTS MAXIMUM

Class 1
How To Fill Up The Ice Cube Trays–Step by Step, with Slide
Presentation.
Meets 4 weeks, Monday and Wednesday for 2 hours beginning at 7:00 PM.
I get a waiver due to an automatic ice dispenser in the freezer.

Class 2
The Toilet Paper Roll–Does It Change Itself? Round Table Discussion.
Meets 2 weeks, Saturday 12:00 for 2 hours.
Due to the difficulty of this, one a sign will be generated above the toilet paper roll to eliminate my responsibility as follows:
If toilet paper roll turns into cardboard then:
1. Check the closet for spares. In no spare is found go to #2
2. Scream for help. If no one answers then proceed to step #3
3. Find alternative method of cleaning. Do not use anything that is attached to the house or may cause the transportation of poop to someone else ie. towels or bath rugs.
4. Proceed to shopping outlet and purchase a ton of toilet paper.
Class 3
Is It Possible To Urinate Using The Technique Of Lifting The
Seat and Avoiding The Floor, Walls and Nearby Bathtub?–Group Practice.
Meets 4 weeks, Saturday 10:00 PM for 2 hours.
Does this include sword fights*?Class 4
Fundamental Differences Between The Laundry Hamper and The
Floor–Pictures and Explanatory Graphics.
Meets Saturdays at 2:00 PM for 3 weeks.
I may need more than 3 weeks. I even bought more hampers and they still don’t pick up my clothes.

Class 5
Dinner Dishes–Can They Levitate and Fly Into The Kitchen Sink?
Examples on Video.
Meets 4 weeks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours beginning at 7:00 PM
Why get married then?

Class 6
Loss Of Identity–Losing The Remote To Your Significant Other. Help
Line Support and Support Groups.
Meets 4 Weeks, Friday and Sunday 7:00 PM
This problem has also been solved. I have 3 spare universal remotes**.

Class 7
Learning How To Find Things–Starting With Looking In The Right Places
And Not Turning The House Upside Down While Screaming. Open Forum
Monday at 8:00 PM, 2 hours.
Sign me up!

Class 8
Health Watch–Bringing Her Flowers Is Not Harmful To Your
Health. Graphics and Audio Tapes.
Three nights; Monday, Wednesday, Friday at 7:00 PM for 2 hours.
Allergies – It is a heredity thing. I can’t control nature.

Class 9
Real Men Ask For Directions When Lost–Real Life Testimonials.
Tuesdays at 6:00 PM Location to be determined
N-S-E-W: Men understand how to use a compass. I sometimes just take the long way because I never know what new things I may find.

Class 10
Is It Genetically Impossible To Sit Quietly While She Parallel Parks?
Driving Simulations.
4 weeks, Saturdays noon, 2 hours.
I need help with this one. I get the feeling similar to a cross between embarrassment and I actually may die***.

Class 11
Learning to Live–Basic Differences Between Mother and Wife. On-line
Classes and role-playing
Tuesdays at 7:00 PM, location to be determined
Not sure about this one. Need more info.

Class 12
How to be the Ideal Shopping Companion Relaxation Exercises, Meditation
and Breathing Techniques.
Meets 4 weeks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours beginning at 7:00 PM.
Sign Stephanie up****

Class 13
How to Fight Cerebral Atrophy–Remembering  Anniversaries and Other
Important Dates and Calling When You’re Going To Be Late. Cerebral Shock
Therapy Sessions and Full Lobotomies Offered.
Three nights; Monday, Wednesday, Friday at 7:0 0 PM for 2 hours.
Well I wait until Stephanie looks angry then I check the calender. Its like an ANDON signal.Class 14
The Stove/Oven–What It Is and How It Is Used. Live Demonstration.
Tuesdays at 6:00 PM, location to be determined.
Is that the thing under the Microwave?

Upon completion of any of the above courses, diplomas will be issued to
the survivors.

*This is where two men pee at the same time and “fight” with urine. And this is not gay?
** I (Stephanie) would like to mention that the bedroom remote has been MIA for a week now and we’ve been watching The Biography Channel because neither one of us wants to get back out of bed to change the channel.
*** I (Stephanie) HATE driving driving with Steve. I.E. “Why are you tailgating?”, “Could you stop any faster?”, “You missed a spot right there?”, “You DO know what the speed limit is here, don’t you?”, “We’ll never get there if you keep driving below the speed limit.”, “Don’t you need to get gas?”
**** I (Stephanie) am notorious for being a pissy little brat when we go shopping. I just hate people.





Characters Welcome

9 06 2009

We all have nicknames for people we work with (Constant Comment, Annoyance, Incredibly Lucky Baptist*) or used to work with (Nemmie, MeToo!, Blinky, Jay and Silent Bob**).

But what about the people in your building?
Too Much Perfume
Always in a Suit Coat
Constant Make-up Applier
Cute Girl from 7
Funny Lawyer
Seat Pee-er
Chronic Elevator Button Pusher
Waddles
“I’m Following You!” Lawyer
Sir Smokes a Lot

And what about around where you work?
Hobo 1
Not a Hobo
Loafs on the Monument
Hobo 2
Loafs at the Library
Same Three Bars Sax Guy
Bible Guy
Not a Hobo 2
Preacher Man
Legless Juggler
Baby Momma

Roastery Panhandlers
Sleeping in Empire Park Guy
Boondoggle Guy Who Probably is a Bit Unhinged

Do tell, what monikers do you give people?

* Named such because he gets himself into these situations in which a normal person would probably be hacked into itty bits and dumped in a forest. Think Ned Flanders, but cuter.
** No, really. One was tall and would not shut-up, every other word being the f-bomb. The other was short, stout and didn’t say much at all.





Talkin’ House/ Etc.

18 05 2009

Okay Folks, let’s start this week with some crazy unabashed honesty.

Here’s your hypothetical situation: You’re expecting people to come over (family and/or friends).

How much cleaning up do you do? (“Tour of Homes”: dust everything that could collect dust and then set said rag on fire to rid of evidence, “Presentable”: cleaning places were people will be, “Other”)

Do you store your messes? Like, say, jamming your gym bag/whatever spilled from the closet back into the closet and putting a flying buttress on the door to make sure it closes and stays closed?

Do you have the room that no one is allowed in? (like the “office” which has become the dumping ground for anything we are too lazy to put away)

Do you allow people in your bedroom?

****
In other news, this weekend I picked up three fake ficus trees (for the deck) for $6.00.
Also, churches have THE BEST rummage sales. Authentic Italian Pasta Machine (with the 1972 receipt pricing it at $26.00), Volleyball kit, metal lawn thingie (hummingbird which sways around a lily) and a beer-stein-ice-bucket (which now houses a trailing yellow plant) for *drumroll* $3.75!
*****
In Stephanie’s Continuing Adventures in Child Care:
Friday night, The Group once again practiced volleyball for their upcoming season.
I went on a bunny hunt, being VEHEMENTLY told to tip-toe as, “You NEVER know what bunnies will do!”

Reading is an interesting time as the almost-2-year-old like books that are boring to the almost-4-year-old. Regardless, I ended up in a camp chair reading “The Ugly Duckling” with a kid on each knee. At one point, the almost-4-year-old decided she was going to read me the next page.
“And the eggs cracked and the mommy duck looked at all of the little ducks and put them in the water to see if they could swim and then the egg that didn’t crack swam back up the pond and okay you can read this page now.”

There was also another bunny sighting.
“STEPHANIE! Over here! A bunny!”
“I don’t believe you. It is a real bunny?”
“No.”
“So you want me to come see an imaginary bunny?”
“No. It’s real!”
“It’s probably the same bunny that we saw over there.”
“Nnnooooo.”
“Is it brown?”
“Yes.”, she answers.
“How do you know it’s not the same one?”
And as logic follows, “Because it’s not. It’s pink!”
“Whhhhhaaaattt?”
“No, wait, it’s red. And big!”
“So, let me get this straight. First it was fake, then it’s real and it’s not brown or pink, but red.”
“Yes! Hurry up! You’re going to miss it!”

—————-
Now playing: Van Morrison – Moondance
via FoxyTunes





These are my Confessions…

5 05 2009

Ah, let’s all play along…
For more fun (and not at all any kind of profit), if you decide that you don’t want to post with your name and whatnot, you can email me at katkis-at-yahoo-dot-com with the subject line “confessions” and I’ll post as me on your behalf.

– I read Craigslist missed connections
– I am FASCINATED by disaster
– Autopsies don’t bother me, but I can’t watch blood draws/inoculations
– I have NKOTB (old, natch) on my iPod
– My world domination platform will be that butter should be a food group
– It is much easier to get off my “good side” than back on
– Sometimes, I buy presents for people that I wish I could buy for myself
– I have always hated the way my legs look
– While I ‘ve made some stupid choices, I don’t really regret many of them
– After hanging out with a guy (okay, there was kissing involved)  I got home to realize he’d given me lice. I used dog flea shampoo because I didn’t want anyone to know I had lice (worth noting, we didn’t have a dog. Iwould hide the bottle in my towels and remove it from the bathroom after showering) . For the record, it works, but dries your hair out something awful.
– When I’m frustrated, I take it out in my dreams, often against people who have NOTHING to do with the situation. (I.E. last night I dreamed of getting in my MIL’s face and SCREAMING at her about how I went to every store in the area “AND THERE IS NO MYLANTA! THAT’S WHY I DIDN’T BRING ANY BACK!” Yes, I had popcorn before bed.)
– As a child, my peers mocked me by saying that I read encyclopedias for fun. I denied it, but it was true.
– I heart trivia
– My interest in things ebbs and flows. Right now, I am in my “history” phase… a year ago, it was classic architecture.
– I often spend more time hoping/wishing/waiting for things to happen and when they do, I regret wasting as much time I did hoping/wishing/waiting. Like, say, blood draws.
– I have only been in one fight. It was when I was 10. I jawed the school bully when she and her crew jumped me. I was told it went on my permanent record, but I’m pretty sure it never did.

P.S.
Particular much Stephanie?
Steve emails me: Do you need anything in particular from the food store?
I reply: Probably a loaf of bread (seeing as we got lunch meat), 2 cans of Progresso 99% Fat Free Lentil soup, lite Wegman’s Mayo (the one in the fridge is old) NOT MIRACLE WHIP, Celery (if you ate the rest of it), spray imitation butter (whatever’s on sale/cheap), wet Bailey food, 3# bag of Gala apples (no substitutes)- check for stems(+)/brown spots(-), bag of frozen corn niblets (store brand is fine), ginger ale (my throat hurts!) cans or 2-liter, bag of salad, regular processed cheese slices (yellow or white), dial gold bar soap 3-pack…





Tuesday Firestarters, that’s right, it’s a two-for

14 04 2009

Firestarter #1:
Here’s the scenario, you’ve had a crappy weekend/holiday/night/morning/whatever…. someone you know (like an acquaintance) comes up to you and asks how you’re doing or how your (insert event here) was.
Do you lie (“Fine!”) to avoid conflict or do you tell the truth (“It sucked and here’s way”) because people shouldn’t ask questions they don’t want the answers to.

Firestarter #2:
I think most of my regulars have been pretty clear on their stance on child-bearing.
If you’re waiting, do you find that family members are trying to guilt you into having a child? Is it not selfish to weigh your options before deciding to have a child?
If you were guilted into it, do you have any pangs of regret?
If you weren’t guilted, do you have any pangs of regret (“Oh, I wish so-and-so could have seen the baby grow up!”)?

Discuss!