Because I have none of my family within a 300 mile radius, the holiday debacle isn’t so taxing on The Mister and me.
Every year, we go to Grandma’s with all the other adults and families, listen to Grandma cry during the blessing and eat store bought pumpkin pies.
The follow tidbits are TRUE, nay, INCREDIBLY TRUE stories from Thanksgiving.
Food vs. Not Food with Aunt Mary
(in Aunt Mary’s defense, she is certifiably crazy and can not help the way she is.)
The teenagers come screaming into the back apartment.
“Sup?”, the Casual Adults ask.
“Aunt Mary was trying to eat my coat!”
“We found Aunt Mary with the coats and she was chewing on the end of my jacket.”
Worst Salesperson EVAR
(The Misters one aunt is a hairdresser, a stereotypical hairdresser at that. Woman can talk.)
Aunt: “Stephanie, come here I want to show you something.”
me: “Okay.” (passing Steve “Come get me in five minutes.”) (proceed with Bataan Death March)
“I don’t know if you’re interested, or if you know anyone who may be, but I purchased this hairdryer.”
“Oh, no thanks, I’m good. I have a hairdryer.”
“Well this is a professional one.”
“I’m cool. Thanks though.”
(Aunt removes dryer from bag. The tag is on it $150.00. The receipt is on it $69.change.) “Well, this is professional and it’s ceramic and ionic.”
“It tames fly -aways and actually helps make your hair healthier. Plus, it’s great for straightening.”
“Oh, no, I don’t have any use for another blowdryer.” (aside: lady, you’ve cut my hair, it don’t get no straighter.)
“I really wish my daughter didn’t buy one, because this one would be so good for her, but she did buy one and now I have this one. I was thinking I could sell it at the salon. Or I could try to sell it on ebay and I’d definitely get my money back.”
“Yeah, no I can’t really see a need for that and I only have one friend who uses a blowdryer and I’m pretty sure she’s good.”
“Well, see, they were selling it for $150 and then it was on sale and because I work at the mall, I got an extra $16 discount and so it only really cost me like $70.”
“So you know, if you wanted to buy it…”
“I really wish my daughter wouldn’t have gotten one already. I mean, I know $70 seems like a lot to spend on a hair drier, but it’s professional and would last a long time.”
“Really, I do not need a blow dryer. But thank you for thinking of me.”
Catch: She tried to sell it to two other family members before me.
Correct Positioning of the Tray
(Aunt Mary was helping herself to the turkey, from the platter, using the serving fork. Being at the end of the line, we did not see/hear the event).
Steve’s Mom, while I am serving myself: Ewwww, I wouldn’t take from there.
SM: That’s where Aunt Mary was eating from.
me: Well THANKS for telling me.
SM: I did tell you.
SM: Back there.
me: Okay, because there are like, twelve dishes on the table…
Adult Cousin: Snark.
SM: I told you, don’t take from the upper right corner.
me: Oh, this is the upper left.
SM: NOOOO. THAT is the upper right (pointing to the left)
AC: Yeah, that’s the left.
me, putting my hands out to show left from right: Left. Right.
SM: I KNOW I’m right.
AC: You do know right from left…
SM: Yes. It was the upper right from that side of the table.
me: And how much wine have you had today?
A and B Conversation, so C Your Way Out
(at the table, sitting, conversing, amongst ourselves are two other adult cousins, Steve’s Godmother and I)
us, cackling like hens: blah blah blah.
Hairdressing Aunt: Butting into conversation.
us: still talking amongst ourselves, ignoring HA who wasn’t even commenting on anything relevant.
HA: Becoming louder and less relevant.
us: Bowing into the table so we can talk.
HA: blah blah blah.
one adult cousin: looks up, nods at HA.
HA: walks over to adult cousin and starts talking.
Adult Cousin: nods, “uh-huh” even when not a proper response.
HA: talking to hear herself talk.
And with that, the conversation that we were going to have about HA came to an abrupt halt.
Bonus: I did not say ANYTHING unsavory to ANY of his family. Holidays are 100% easier while medicated.