Reason #684 Why I Married Him

17 07 2009

Sweet Daffy sent me the following email.
I forwarded it over to Steve and he replied (in red).

*****

SUMMER Classes for Men at THE ADULT LEARNING CENTER
REGISTRATION MUST BE COMPLETED by Saturday, July 25, 2009NOTE: DUE TO THE COMPLEXITY AND DIFFICULTY LEVEL OF THEIR CONTENTS,
CLASS SIZES WILL BE LIMITED TO 8 PARTICIPANTS MAXIMUM

Class 1
How To Fill Up The Ice Cube Trays–Step by Step, with Slide
Presentation.
Meets 4 weeks, Monday and Wednesday for 2 hours beginning at 7:00 PM.
I get a waiver due to an automatic ice dispenser in the freezer.

Class 2
The Toilet Paper Roll–Does It Change Itself? Round Table Discussion.
Meets 2 weeks, Saturday 12:00 for 2 hours.
Due to the difficulty of this, one a sign will be generated above the toilet paper roll to eliminate my responsibility as follows:
If toilet paper roll turns into cardboard then:
1. Check the closet for spares. In no spare is found go to #2
2. Scream for help. If no one answers then proceed to step #3
3. Find alternative method of cleaning. Do not use anything that is attached to the house or may cause the transportation of poop to someone else ie. towels or bath rugs.
4. Proceed to shopping outlet and purchase a ton of toilet paper.
Class 3
Is It Possible To Urinate Using The Technique Of Lifting The
Seat and Avoiding The Floor, Walls and Nearby Bathtub?–Group Practice.
Meets 4 weeks, Saturday 10:00 PM for 2 hours.
Does this include sword fights*?Class 4
Fundamental Differences Between The Laundry Hamper and The
Floor–Pictures and Explanatory Graphics.
Meets Saturdays at 2:00 PM for 3 weeks.
I may need more than 3 weeks. I even bought more hampers and they still don’t pick up my clothes.

Class 5
Dinner Dishes–Can They Levitate and Fly Into The Kitchen Sink?
Examples on Video.
Meets 4 weeks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours beginning at 7:00 PM
Why get married then?

Class 6
Loss Of Identity–Losing The Remote To Your Significant Other. Help
Line Support and Support Groups.
Meets 4 Weeks, Friday and Sunday 7:00 PM
This problem has also been solved. I have 3 spare universal remotes**.

Class 7
Learning How To Find Things–Starting With Looking In The Right Places
And Not Turning The House Upside Down While Screaming. Open Forum
Monday at 8:00 PM, 2 hours.
Sign me up!

Class 8
Health Watch–Bringing Her Flowers Is Not Harmful To Your
Health. Graphics and Audio Tapes.
Three nights; Monday, Wednesday, Friday at 7:00 PM for 2 hours.
Allergies – It is a heredity thing. I can’t control nature.

Class 9
Real Men Ask For Directions When Lost–Real Life Testimonials.
Tuesdays at 6:00 PM Location to be determined
N-S-E-W: Men understand how to use a compass. I sometimes just take the long way because I never know what new things I may find.

Class 10
Is It Genetically Impossible To Sit Quietly While She Parallel Parks?
Driving Simulations.
4 weeks, Saturdays noon, 2 hours.
I need help with this one. I get the feeling similar to a cross between embarrassment and I actually may die***.

Class 11
Learning to Live–Basic Differences Between Mother and Wife. On-line
Classes and role-playing
Tuesdays at 7:00 PM, location to be determined
Not sure about this one. Need more info.

Class 12
How to be the Ideal Shopping Companion Relaxation Exercises, Meditation
and Breathing Techniques.
Meets 4 weeks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours beginning at 7:00 PM.
Sign Stephanie up****

Class 13
How to Fight Cerebral Atrophy–Remembering  Anniversaries and Other
Important Dates and Calling When You’re Going To Be Late. Cerebral Shock
Therapy Sessions and Full Lobotomies Offered.
Three nights; Monday, Wednesday, Friday at 7:0 0 PM for 2 hours.
Well I wait until Stephanie looks angry then I check the calender. Its like an ANDON signal.Class 14
The Stove/Oven–What It Is and How It Is Used. Live Demonstration.
Tuesdays at 6:00 PM, location to be determined.
Is that the thing under the Microwave?

Upon completion of any of the above courses, diplomas will be issued to
the survivors.

*This is where two men pee at the same time and “fight” with urine. And this is not gay?
** I (Stephanie) would like to mention that the bedroom remote has been MIA for a week now and we’ve been watching The Biography Channel because neither one of us wants to get back out of bed to change the channel.
*** I (Stephanie) HATE driving driving with Steve. I.E. “Why are you tailgating?”, “Could you stop any faster?”, “You missed a spot right there?”, “You DO know what the speed limit is here, don’t you?”, “We’ll never get there if you keep driving below the speed limit.”, “Don’t you need to get gas?”
**** I (Stephanie) am notorious for being a pissy little brat when we go shopping. I just hate people.

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3 responses

17 07 2009
Stacy

Steve is funny!!

And yes, very gay…

18 07 2009
hisqueen

this is hilarious…I have too many comments to comment..I will say that I love the fact that “suvivors” will get diplomas.
; O

20 07 2009
Stephanie of Stopbouncing

And from Dad, “Upon completion of any of the above courses, diplomas will be issued to the survivors. Which will be immediately lost somewhere in the house most likely under a pile of dirty underwear on the floor or under the ‘honey do’ list.”

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