(Back in the day, I had a low-pressure job where I got to be funny on AIM all day.)
Tuesday, January 08, 2002
AIM Conversation
them: LOL! What a wonderful invention, ponytails… (Chris bursts into an off-key mania….) “Chantilly lace and pretty face. With a ponytail, just a hanging down……”
me: A WIGGLE IN HER WALK {GOT THAT} AND A GIGGLE IN HER TALK {GOT THAT}
me: LOOK, WE CAN BE SHOWSTOPPERS!
me: AS IN “PLEASE! STOP!”
them: Hmnnnn… KEWEL! Glad YOU said it, with harassment laws not withstanding and all that. 🙂
me: WELL, SOMEONE HAD TO
them: 🙂 Glad I can count on you!
me: BUT OF COURSE (SINGING) “YOU CAN COUNT ON ME” OH! AND NOW I CAN DANCE A JIG (THUMP-THUMP-THUMPTHUMP)
them: (watches in amazement as she swirls around the room… Thump, thump, thumpthump…trip…”oops”…”ow”…BANG, “@##$&!”….That’s gonna leave a bruise…OOH! Good thing that concrete broke your fall like that….)
me: I LIKE IT WHEN THE GROUND MEETS ME HALFWAY
them: Yah… Just be careful of illness. You know, “Sudden deceleration trauma” or “asphalt poisoning.”
Monday, March 18, 2002
Crystal Clear
me- So, this cookbook is all in English…
him- like ‘Thou must cookest the chicken?’
me- no, like in English measurements
him- oh… I see
me- plus, it’s got some weird English food in all of it.
him- what is it?
me- I don’t know, something that began with an “s”
him- sauce?
me- (sarcastic) Yes! that was it! I didn’t know what it was, so I went and looked it up in the dictionary, but I couldn’t find it… maybe it’s because we don’t have a dictionary.
us- (laugh)
Tuesday, April 09, 2002
Off the Cuff
me: I ONCE HAD A GOLDFISH AND I OVERFED HIM AND HE GREW BIGGER THEN THE TANK BROKE AND THEN MY CAT FOUND HIM AND THEN SHE TIRED TO EAT HIM, BUT THEN SHE ENDED UP BEING SCARED BY THE DOG AND SHE DIDN’T EAT THE FISH. THE END
him: LOL!!!!!
me: I LIKE STORIES
him: Poor goldfish…
me: BUT HE’S OKAY, WE PUT HIM IN THERAPY
him: Traction?
me: NO, A SHRINK! (GWAF)
him: LOL!
me: WOW. THAT WAS OFF THE TOP OF MY HEAD
him: Hope that whittled down the point a little….
Wednesday, May 08, 2002
Another Conversation With Mr. Trivia (via IM)
ME: Dear Mr. Trivia: What happened to the change in seasons? It’s May and I’ll be jiggered if I can find a swimsuit in any store. Let alone in my size and my style…. If the average size of the American woman is 14, and I’m not a 14, why are there no suits in my size (when I do find them)? Signed, Sweltering in Sausalito
HIM: Dear Sweltering,
The change in seasons was cancelled this year, due to a lack of interest. As for the average American women’s size of 14….What stores have YOU been shopping in? 😀 This is the wrong time of year to be shopping for swimsuits anyway. They quit selling those sometime in March. I believe their pushing winter parkas and galoshes at this point. Good luck in your hunt. Perhaps you’ll be able to find some closeout merchandise at a discount store. Besides, if you really wanna drive your guy wild, wear jeans short cut-offs and a T-shirt whilst swimming. You’re covered up more, but it really sets the hormones raging for some reason…. 😀
ME: Plus, I won’t have to worry about that coming off on the Jet Ski.
HIM: Hmnnn…. On second thought, I’ll be HAPPY to help find you a string bikini….
Friday, May 10, 2002
Another Another Conversation with Mr. Trivia
scuze the caps, I don’t care to toggle
ME: DEAR MISTER TRIVIA: WHY IS RUNNING INTO ANY-EX-ANYTHING (BOYFRIEND, BEST FRIEND) SUCH A STRESSFUL AND OVERALL HORRID EXPIRENCE?
HIM: Because, despite the fact that we know better, we consider anything that’s an “ex” to be a failure. And no one likes to be reminded of how fallible we are. It’s too sad.
ME: goooood answer
HIM: <–bows deeply.
ME: I was thinking “because you see them acting like a buffoon or all high and mighty, and you remember why you stopped being friends with them in the first place”
Tuesday, June 18, 2002
A brief Study on the Effects of: Waiting for Coffee to Kick In
From AOLIM
ME: for your information: you cannot say that I “smell” today, as I am very not smelly. so there
THEM: I smelled you from outside
ME: yeah, then what do I smell like smarty pants
THEM: like icky stuff
ME: well, I have to tell you that you’re WRONG
THEM: nu uh
ME: let me ask my invisible friend… hey, invisible friend… what? do I smell? hell no. you rock. I know. ha! so there!
THEM: ok let me ask my invisible walrus . hey Wally, does she smell? hell yes? pew! and I eat raw fish! so there!
ME: WHAT DO WALRUS’ KNOW… BESIDES THAT THEY EAT RAW FISHES
THEM: well Wally knew a lot so there back
ME: HEY, INVISABLE FRIEND… YES, SHE WHO SMELLS WONDERFUL… YOU WANNA GO KICK THAT GUY AND HIS “WALRUS'” ASS? BRING IT ON. COOL, THEN WE’LL GO OUT AND GET LUNCH LATER. OH, I LOVE LUNCH. YOU’RE SO TRANSPARENT YEAH, BUT WHATCHA GONNA DO?
THEM: YOU COULDN’T HAVE HAD THAT CONVERSATION CUZ WALLY JUST SAT ON YOUR FRIEND.
RIGHT WALY THAT’S RIGHT FRIEND. AND SHE DOES SMELL!!
HA SO THERE
ME: how can he sit on my friend if he’s invisible…. only I know where he is.
THEM: WALY HAS INFRARED VISION
ME: okay, did you misread the part where I said that my friend was invisible?
THEM: WELL WALY HAS OTHER STUFF TOO INCLUDING HEAT SENSORS. HE’S REALLY HIGH TECH
ME: I assumed that invisible also meant heatless… now you’re just being a liar
Thursday, June 27, 2002
From email and IM
I think people are funny, and that’s why some of them are my friends… example? (and yes, I sometimes type in CAPS)
ME: LOLLOOLLLO. OH MY GOD. YOU WILL NEVER BELIEVE THE EMAIL I JUST GOT
THEM: ?. shoot
ME: IT’S FROM THE GUY WHO USED TO WORK HERE… LIKE MONTHS AGO… VERY ODD CRITTER. ANYWAYS, HE JUST ASKED ME OUT VIA EMAIL… AND HIS ENGLISH SUCKS!!!!
(quoting) “o yeah one more thing don’t show anyone this please just in case I ever see any of them though I doubt it but this way I wont look stupid ok ”
THEM: too late for looking stupid 🙂
ME: LOL!! THAT’S WHAT I THOUGHT!!!! HOW PRICELESS! AND NOW: THE WORLDS LONGEST RUN ON SENTENCE
THEM: oh yay!
ME: (quoting) Well anywise I was just curious if maybe if your were interested in possibly maybe going to do something sometime if you were not dating anyone , I always wanted to ask you after you and [former] broke up but did not think it was right right there and then, and that is only if you were not seeing anyone as well.
THEM: dude. let me shorten that! hey, you want to go out and get some coffee on friday? HOW’S THAT? CHECK ME OUT. STUD MUFFIN!
ME: AND IT’S GOOD ENGLISH!!!! I’M LIKE, DYING I’M TRYING NOT TO LAUGH
THEM: <— the winnar!!! wait wait wait. let’s count the maybes and possiblies. I see 3
Friday, June 28, 2002
Who is the Dorkiest?
from IM, of course
them: I am regularly attacked by mooses. they try to gore my car but their antlers bounce of my marshmallow cushioned roof
me: DO YOU DRIVE IN A BIG MUG OF HOT CHOCOLATE?
them: oh my god. *collapses*. *cough cough* you are beyond all reason and logic… i cannot defeat your dorkiness…nay, lunacy….
me: *WAVES MANUALS WITH TITLES LIKE “WAVING MANUALS FOR DUMMIES” AND “MANUELS WAVING FOR DUMMIES”
them: *dies a horrible insanity driven death*. ham-girl? you are truly the weirdest
me: THANKS!!!!
them: I mean…the line about the hot chocolate?. christ, the caps just added to the sheer stupidity of it 🙂
me: YOU’RE THE ONE WITH THE MARSHMALLOW CAR!
them: doooooooooooooork 🙂
Monday, July 29, 2002
The Fine Art of: Cooking
me: I like melted cheese on toast.
them: grilled cheese 🙂
me: melted cheese on toast, yes.
them: okay, so it’s grilled cheese, but the bread is toasty.
me: grilled cheese? what is this, grilled cheese?
them: you take bread, 2 pieces, and you butter one side of each. put cheese in between.
me: there’s bread involved in grilled cheese?
them: *gasp*
me: why don’t they add that to the name?
them: ?
me: like, tuna noodle casserole… you don’t have to say “geez, I wonder what’s in that?”.
them: grilled cheese bread?
ne: ahhhh! so, you put the melted cheese in the bread. I seee.
them: no no
me: <– being a pain
them: yeah that’s you 🙂
me: which, coincidently, is french for bread
them: okay so after the cheese is in the bread. you throw it on the frying pan. annnnnnnd you look at it every once in a while to see if it’s toasty. then you flip it. and once it’s done. THAT’S GRILLED CHEESE 🙂
me: ohhhhhhh. I think I will make this “grilled cheese” concoction for dinner
them: oh wow. you’re serious 🙂 . PUT SYRUP ON IT WHEN IT’S DONE
me: ew. no.
them: and that I’m serious about, I always eat ‘em like that.
me: oh that’s just nasty.
(I also had an extremely annoying job as an Account Manager)
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Friday, October 19, 2001
Laugh of the day.
“Printer is not working. Manager doesn’t know why. Printer has been used for parts.”
Now, I’m no tech but….
ugh.
Heaven help me if my brain shrinks-
me- Hallo, I’m calling from (service company) to make sure that the keyboard I sent you for register 11 is working.
them- Register 11?
me- yes.
them- Yes, we do need a keyboard for register 11.
me- I know. I sent you one.
them- I didn’t’ get it.
me- Yes you did, it was signed for (name, time, address).
them- Art signed for it?
me- Well, someone with the first initial “A” did, so I think it’s safe to say it was Art.
them- Let me check with Art. (annoying hold music) Yeah, he’s bringing it up now. Are you going to install that?
me- No, sir. It was my understanding that you were.
them- oh.
Wednesday, October 24, 2001
Today is a low patience day.
Not to mention that I sooo loathe the music that my customer (nation-wide, so it’s the same everyplace) has me listen to.
These trying-to-operatic singers “ooh”ing and “ahh”ing, “America The Beautiful”, while some dork plays on his Casio in the back ground.
I can almost hear Ross Robinson (worked with the agro-rock band of the moment in the mid-90’s) saying, “this is the heaviest thing out there right now.”
There’s Dork A on the Casio, while his 3 chick dork friends try and sing in the background. Or Dork A just has so many samples that he can produce a whole opera on his own while he watches X-Files.
Bitter Pill.
Wednesday, October 31, 2001
I’m feeling better.
So, it’s Halloween.
(sings horribly off key) It’s the most wonderful time of the year! (ducks from tomatoes and chairs)
Funny.
I just ate a mini-Butterfinger and my co-worker is singing along to Thriller and reiterating the “important” parts…. “THEY’RE OUT TO GET YOU!!!!” and now he’s doing the “Thriller Dance” across the office.
Yeah, this is my life.
I so wish I could go home now and see all the frightened children coming to my house… oh well, only about another hour.
Thursday, November 01, 2001
Ahhhh, a juicy nugget from my tech support department,
“SEND TECH ONSITE TO DIAGNOSE A FROZEN REGISTER (BRING GLOVES, DRESS WARM).”
Thursday, November 15, 2001
“AS PER TECH SITE, TECH IS ALREADY ON SITE“…. my call notes RULE!
annoying hold music
me can I speak to Rose?
them she’s out for a break, you can talk to Dan.
me okay.
annoying hold music
dan Dan Speaking.
me (prefabricated drivel)
dan you need to talk to Rose.
annoying hold music
dan Rose is on Lunch, maybe I can help?
Big Freaking Sigh.
I’m convinced that the person who does the hold music for my customer has to be related to the person who picks the music. How else could something this awful get played? Listening to (rather, trying to): Incubus- Make Yourself
Monday, January 14, 2002
I’m not asking for much
I just want to make sure your stuff is working.
Actually, I don’t give 2 poops either way, but I fake it so I can get a paycheck.
A little help here…
1) please know that something is broken…”I’m calling to make sure the monitor I sent for you for register 5 is working.” “The monitor on register 5 isn’t working?”
2) If I tell you I sent you something and then I tell you who signed for it, and you know who has it, and I tell you to call the help desk if there are problems, DON’T put me on hold.
3) Do you know your equipment? “I’m calling to make sure the wedge I sent for you for register 1 is working.” “what’s a wedge?”
Thank you.
Tuesday, January 29, 2002
Over the Cubicle Wall
tech 1- so, it says here that mass is defined as a piece of metal kept in France.
tech 2- that’s what I was thinking.
tech 1- it also says that it varies depending on what planet you’re visiting.
tech 2- yeah, when I go to Pluto and kick the soccer ball, it goes forever. And I hate playing golf on the moon.
tech 1- so that’s it. A kilogram is just a piece of metal in France.
later
tech 2- it’s not like you have all of your life’s information stored on your PC… oh, you do!
ha. techs are silly.
Monday, April 29, 2002
Thank You, Please Hold…
My customers new hold music sounds like a jam session from SNL.
I just don’t like screechy saxophone… especially when I have to listen to it many hours a day.
I mean, hold music is bad by definition, but this is awful.
please, stop bouncing 
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