What it’s Like

29 05 2008

Should you be so lucky as to not have the sheer JOY of seasonal allergies, let me help you.

First, tip your head and fill your ear with water.  Then stuff a cotton ball inside. Repeat on the other side.
Now wrap your head in a fluffy pillow, duct taping it to your forehead.
Have someone punch you directly under each eye.
Fill your nose with jell-o.  Make sure that when you lie down all the jell-o goes to one side of your face.
Drink a lot of liquor so when you sit up, you can feel everything sloshing around in your head and you feel discombobulated (as opposed to combobulated).
Drip honey through your nose so it runs down the back of your throat making you have a non-productive cough.  And when you cough, make sure that the honey/jell-o mixture gets pushed back up into your nasal cavities.
Have another person punch you above your eyes.
Make sure that the rest of your body wants to get going and run around, but you feel like a bobble-head and like you’re going to faceplant if you stand up, let alone attempt jogging.
Amplify all the close sounds (like hair brushing against your shirt) and dampen all the far away noises (like your boss talking).
Get some cardboard/packing peanuts/newspaper.  Draw a super delicious food on it.  Then eat it.  Oh, it looks like pizza, but tastes like NOTHING.
Convince yourself to have dreams of your father receiving dental work while your entire family watches.

Rinse, lather, repeat.