WTFFriday: “MYOB in Paint”

17 09 2010

Due to my current state of waddledom, I cop out and take the LIRR half a mile to my office.
I choose to sit at the front of the first car, tying not to sit close to other people, such as one does in the restroom (occupied, empty, occupied, empty).

Getting to a front seat, there’s someone on the train I haven’t seen before and well, that voice in my head said “Maybe you should sit further back” and the other voice said, “It’s only two stops!”
So I pass Unrecognizable Person, and make sure there’s two seats between us; the train has one other person on it at this point.

I wasn’t quite able to get her hair big enough without blocking out the rest of the scene. Work with me here.
So, I take my seat, resume my I-feel-unlady-like-but-damn-it’s-comfortable-to-not-close-my-knees seated position.
I hear that screechy theme from Friday the 13th start playing and in slow motion, I see Unrecognized Person turn towards me.

“WHEN IS THE BABY DUE??!?!?!”, U.P. says SUPER LOUD.
Not feeling like a total bitch, or maybe because I chickened out, I did NOT say, “What baby?” or “Do I know you?”. Instead I forcibly laughed and said, “A few weeks still.”
“Wow, you’re working up right till the end, huh?!”
Resisting temptation to have her come see  my obvious car, I nod, not making eye contact, “Uh huh. I feel fine, there’s no reason not to.”
“SOOOOOOOO, do you know what you’re having?!?!?!?”
Thinking that she’s not getting the hint from my tone, I try looking tired and say very simply, “No.”
She faces forward, taking that “Oh, you don’t want to talk to me about your bbbbaaaabbbyyyy” skunky beer face*.
Then the Friday the 13th screeching starts again.

“Welllllll, I JUST found out that MY daughter is pregnant!”, she says, turning her body towards me, trying to engage me in conversation.
“Congratulations.”
“Poor thing is so sick. Just vomiting all the time and nauseous.”
I do that forced laugh thing again, “Yeah, I hear that happens.”
Skunky beer face, again. “The doctor wants to put her on medication, but she doesn’t want to take it.”
“Ah ha ah ah.” (I am Stephanie’s feigned interest)

I turn away, not a total body turn, but more of “hey, what goes on over here.”
It was her stop. “Well”, she sing-songs, “Good luck!”
“Thank you.”

The other person on the train was smirking the whole time.

Note: Headphones and books do nothing in these situations. People tap me on the arm to ask questions.

Dilemma: “Oh, hush up, they’re just happy and excited for you!”, some people say.
Those people don’t understand.
First of all, I often don’t know the person who is asking me these questions. HOW exactly are they excited or happy for me?
Second, I feel as though incubating questions are personal. Do these people ask other people what kind of underpants people wear? Do they ask clearly sick people how their feeling? Oh, wait, sorry, it’s allowed to be nosy with pregnant people because babies are precious and adorable… cancer is scary and bad and we don’t want to discuss that.

*You know, when you crack open a beer, expecting it to be all kinds of awesome and then it’s that rogue beer that ends up being f-ing gross.

(Funny, Pregnant Chicken just posted about Things I Wanted to Say While I was Pregnant)

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15 responses

17 09 2010
whatigotsofar

Wait a sec… You’re pregnant?

19 09 2010
Stephanie of Stopbouncing

Thus my, “What baby?” stock reply.

17 09 2010
goingroundandround

Annoying. Good thing she didn’t pat your tummy, though. Eccchhh!

18 09 2010
S. Le

Yeah. That’s what I was gonna say. People get really forward when confronted with preggies or babies. It somehow entitles them to touch and question. Weird.

19 09 2010
Stephanie of Stopbouncing

I purchased a “moby wrap ” (http://www.mobywrap.com) which the internets/experienced moms say keep lookie-loos and Grabby McGrabbersons from doing their thing to baby.
I only hope it was a sound investment.

17 09 2010
daisyfae

your art work is worldclass… as for the headphones? they work pretty well for me on airplanes. combined with a book? they pretty much say “leave me alone!”. but then, you’re only on for a half mile – hardly enough time to get them out… do you have mace?

19 09 2010
Stephanie of Stopbouncing

Typically I put my earphones in on the walk to the train and pull out the book as soon as I sit down.
I should invest in a mace… who’ll mess with a lady with a big spiky ball on a chain? A little less subtle than a shooter of pepper spray.

18 09 2010
Tony

Hey I just realised I do the occupied, empty, occupied, empty thing in toilets without even realising till now. Wow man you’ve awakened some kind of lavatorial consciousness in me.
It was nice though of her to take an interest in you Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha!!!! Your stories always crack me up. I could just imagine that happening to Deborah on “Everybody Loves Raymond”

19 09 2010
Stephanie of Stopbouncing

Uh oh, I’ve feed the lavatory beast! I thought everyone did the every other stall thing….

18 09 2010
Jill

You get a gold star *and* a cookie for being so polite to the U.P. 🙂

If there’s one thing I’ve learned from your blog, it’s that I’m never going to ever say anything to a pregnant lady. Ever. For as long as I live. 😛

Love the pictures!

19 09 2010
Stephanie of Stopbouncing

Those are peanut butter cookies, right? 🙂
If you know the pregnant lady, you can talk to her, just don’t ask how she’s feeling… or if you can touch the bump… or if they have names picked out… or if they know what they’re having…
hmmm.
Ask her what foods she’s missing!!!

20 09 2010
hisqueen

Soooo…what food’s are you missing?..can we send anything to help with the cravings?

20 09 2010
hisqueen

or non cravings as your case may be if I remember correctly..Called Wendy’s..they say they’ll stay open late just for you!

20 09 2010
Jill

Boo! hisqueen stole my line LOL!

21 09 2010
Stephanie of Stopbouncing

Ladies, ladies!!!
I can not wait to cut into a medium rare steak and a big plate of sashimi.
Also looking forward to trying everyone’s Oktoberfest/fall seasonal beer.

hisqueen, if you make that call to Wendy’s make sure that they’re going to keep their Frosty machine up and running and the bacon on the grill!

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