*tap tap* Is This Thing On?

9 08 2010

The way my brain is wired is pretty easy. Relevant [to this posting] nugget include:
If you’re going to take the time to ask someone a question, take the time to pay attention to their answer.

I tend to get frustrated when people bring things up that I presume they know are wrong, just to start a conversation.

I.E. #1
At last month’s 4th of July party, an uncle asked if we were finding out what we’re having.
I told him no.
Over the weekend, I saw said uncle again. He asked if we were going to find out what we’re having.

I.E. #2
4th of July: “Are you feeling the bbaaaaaabbbyyyy*?”
“Sure am!”
This weekend: “Are you feeling the bbaaaaaabbbyyyy*?”
(aside, I have 8-9 weeks to go. If I am not feeling the baby, we have MAJOR issues.)

I.E. #3/4
My parents have lived in Tucson for almost 6 years. Why do some people insist on asking me if they still live in Phoenix? They lived in Phoenix about 8 years ago.
Same goes for my maternal family who live in Small Town Michigan (2 hours south of Detroit)… Steve’s family still thinks they live in Detroit, despite my correcting them multiple times a year. Not that the geographic location matters, it’s more of, “They don’t live in Detroit, they live in Small Town, but (revert to whatever dribble was going on).”

Maybe it’s that whole can-we-talk-about-something-else but I am over being asked, “How are you feeling?” and “Are you excited?”
If you know someone who’s pregnant, stop asking them.
You don’t really want to know about hemorrhoids, bladder weakness, upset stomachs, acid reflux, back pain, midnight charlie horses etc. ** Everyone and their mothers (and fathers. And uncles. And Aunts. And various strangers) are asking them how they feel. Can we talk about the weather (but not related to pregnancy) or the local sports team or something?

Most people are excited to welcome a baby into their lives. If I answer with a dry, “No”, you look at me like I’m the one who is stupid. Why the hell wouldn’t I be excited? Thank you for not asking if I’m nervous or scared or prepared (for the record, “No, because it is what it is, why fret over how horrible it’s going to be?”, “Kind of, just because this is something I’ve never done before.” and “Hahahaha. No. Though, I do have a car seat, stroller, changing table and boppy.”) because I do not want to hear you trying to rationalize WHY I should be scared/nervous; “Oh, you know Family Member almost DIED when she gave birth!”

And to people who do rationalize people’s fear, there’s a monster living under your bed and that lunch meat you made your sandwich with is past  it’s best-by date and tomorrow you’ll find that the next piece of bread in the bag is moldy.

*Yes, that’s how you must refer to spawn. Especially if you’re over the age of 60. No offense to my decent 60+ readers, I know you’d never.
** This author is lucky and has not been plagued by may of this maladies. But you know that because we’ve discussed it.




29 responses

9 08 2010

So. What are you havin’?

9 08 2010
Stephanie of Stopbouncing

Fish and chips and a bit of ice cream 🙂

9 08 2010
Two Barking Dogs

What was that again?

9 08 2010
Stephanie of Stopbouncing

WTFFriday may be this conversation I overheard at the same party… I had to ask Steve if he knew when comprehension testing became mandatory because my brain hurt so much.

9 08 2010

“Are you gonna find out what you’re having?”
“We’ve already decided what we’re having: fish and chips, with a little ice cream for dessert.”

“Are you excited?”
“Because I’m pregnant? Why, are you bored because you’re not?”


9 08 2010
Stephanie of Stopbouncing

That’s it.
I’m transferring you into my brain.

9 08 2010

The worst is when other women tell you their birth horror stories. Ignore them. I actually had to stop people mid-sentence and tell them I wasn’t concerned and expected everything to be fine. Some of them still tried to convince me it would be horrible. My water broke and I had 3-1/2 hours of labor, including the 20 minutes of pushing. Aha, their evil plans were foiled!

(Actually, the worst is when random people look at your tummy area when the baby is a year old and ask if you’re expecting again. I would say snarkily, “No, I’m just fat.”)

9 08 2010
Stephanie of Stopbouncing

I actually had to tell someone, “Can we not discuss this right now?” because they were going on and on about horrendous labors and blood transfusions and whatnot.
Haven’t decided if the “uneventful” pregnancy is going to continue or nip me in the bud with a story-telling-labor.

9 08 2010

‘do you have any names picked?’
‘do you want a boy or a girl?’
‘when is this little one going to have brother or sister?’
‘my sister’s dog’s cousin was in labor for 48 hours and gave birth to a two-headed donkey-baby. hope that doesn’t happen to you!’
‘are you going to breast feed? WHY NOT????? WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU? DON’T YOU KNOW YOUR BABY NEEDS YOUR CHOLESTEROL (or WTF that stuff is)??!??!?’

mwa ha ah.

living vicariously through you.

9 08 2010
Stephanie of Stopbouncing

My friend’s got a 7 month old and she’s already being asked when they’re going to try for #2.
Things like that irk me; enjoy the baby WHOISRIGHTHERE.

And when you’re pregnant, you’re never right.
“Oh, you’re going to breastfeed? Good luck with that.” or “I gave my darling, precious, perfect children formula and they turned out fine!”
“You’re going to cloth diaper? Yeah. Okay.”
Clearly, when you’re pregnant, you’re also stupid.

And I want a pony.

9 08 2010

I think most people mindlessly regurgitate questions for the exact same reason that dogs sniff each others’ bums: Just to socially interact. I think most of the questions that come out of the human mouth in general do not genuinely function as inquiries (even though they take the form of inquiries), but instead function roughly the same way that “poking someone” on Facebook Dot Com does. It’s just an unverbalized way of saying: “Your face is worth looking at and the sound of your voice is worth hearing, just because I feel a sense of kinship with you!”

Annoying, isn’t it?

The one I REALLY HATE is: “hi! how r u?”

One day I was trying to keep my page on Twitter Dot Com interesting, and I swear, all within the same ten-minute duration-of-time, twenty different people, one at a time, tweeted:

[One person tweets]: @neuroaster hi Jon! how r u?

[Another person tweets]: @neuroaster hi Jon! how r u?

[Another person tweets]: @neuroaster hi Jon! how r u?

[Another person tweets]: @neuroaster hi Jon! how r u?

. . .

Twenty different tweets just like that from twenty different people, one at a time, within the same ten-minute duration-of-time! And they weren’t even spamming me on purpose, it was just that each of them was blissfully oblivious to the nineteen others following the same mindless habit at just the same moment! And many of them did not even notice that they were tweeting “Oh hi, Jon! How r u?” in immediate response to a tweet I posted where I said: “I already answered the dxmn #HowAreYou question just now when I told [ #tweep who shall remain @usernameless #so2speak ] that I’m okay!” And it was simply because they were so caught up in this non-verbal, non-cognitive, warm, fuzzy, kinship mode, they were responding to the sudden appearance of my username and profile-photo, NOT the verbal content of my tweet! And I had no way of being polite to all twenty of them without being redundant!

So yeah, I also get annoyed about that with most people (although I can’t say too much about the experience of being pregnant, being a man myself) #smilesandhugs

11 08 2010
Stephanie of Stopbouncing

Reason #45 I hardly check my @stopbouncing.

9 08 2010

Oh, oh, and when someone you know gets remarried (especially if the people already have 3 kids between them and are in their 30s) don’t forget to ask “When are you going to have one of ‘your own’?” Because surely the kids they already have aren’t good enough, they should have one that is “theirs”!

11 08 2010
Stephanie of Stopbouncing

That would make me sad… so what then, the kids who were conceived out of love (once) are chopped liver?

11 08 2010

It was sad. After going through their parents’ divorces and then getting stepparents, our kids needed all the love and attention we could give THEM. My response was usually something like, “GASP! Good Heavens, NO!!” with a mortified look. People actually asked “Why not?” Eeeee! Ladies and gentlemen, open your etiquette books! Appropriate response when hearing that a couple has gotten married = “Congratulations on your marriage!” (And, NOT appropriate to ask a lady (or gentleman) when the baby is due, unless you are absolutely positive that the lady IS indeed pregnant.)

10 08 2010
S. Le

Often people, even those we love, are stupid twits.

11 08 2010
Stephanie of Stopbouncing

Twit is a nice way to say it 🙂

10 08 2010

Many people are descended from goldfish.

11 08 2010
Stephanie of Stopbouncing

Through the castle!

10 08 2010

so are you excited and how ARE you feeling…..hahahaha I kill me! How is that darn weather…the heat down south is just about unbearable! I know what you’re having…a baby!!!

11 08 2010
Stephanie of Stopbouncing

Maybe it’s a puppy!

11 08 2010

I meant to ask once before but forgot so while I think of it…
How are your parents??? Do they still live in Phoenix???

11 08 2010
Stephanie of Stopbouncing

How’s the weather down there? is it hot?

11 08 2010
Dixie the Poodle

Hulo Missus Stefanee being an inkwizativ kreecha I just wonted to no if yoo ar feeling the bbaaaaaabbbyyyy???

11 08 2010
Stephanie of Stopbouncing

come closer Dixie, if you put your sniffer right here, you too can feel the baby.
(Dogs and cats are cleared to touch the bump)

11 08 2010
Dennis the Vizsla

When did your parents move out of Flagstaff?!

11 08 2010
Stephanie of Stopbouncing

shortly before they moved to Albuquerque.

11 08 2010

Hmm… the question I usually ask pregnant women goes more like, “so… you’re pregnant right?” (because it’s dangerous just to assume). And then I’ll say, “you must be pretty close,” (because they probably want it to be). And then I’ll say something like, “Don’t worry, I’m sure it’s not as painful as everyone says.” (Because I don’t want them to be worried). Finally I’ll tell them, “Downs syndrome for people in your age group is pretty high, but they’re really wonderful kids to raise.” (Because they might be worried about that too).

12 08 2010
Stephanie of Stopbouncing

Now, see, that’s what I want to hear.
*winky winky*

“Did you get screened for Spina Bifida? No? Oh. Well. Gee.”

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