Stephanie Art Theatre Presents: Invasion of the Giant F-ing Flying Ants

24 05 2010

by "fly" I mean "ant" but don't care enough to redo the drawing

For some reason, our house has been plagued by these larger than normal, winged ants.

Steve’s gone around selective squirting bug-a-cide to little avail.

I came home from work and vacuumed up  dozen creepy carcasses… there were two live ones and while I PLLLFFFT!d one, the second one tried to hide, which required my outsmarting an ant.
Stephanie 1, Giant Flying Ant 0.

I came home from yoga and had to use the bathroom.
The pets are all to the “WE MUST PROTECT YOU!” phase, so of course they all lumber upstairs with me.
Buffy came into the bathroom, Kai kept watch outside the bathroom door and Bailey stared off into space on the top step.

So, there I sit with my pants around my ankles when I hear a roaring buzz.
I look and one of the GIANT ants has landed on my work pants, which are hanging on the towel rack.
Naturally, I screamed. Which scared Buffy.
I get the fly off my pants and it’s crawling around on my bathroom  floor.
“Commear Kali! Come here! Look! Look!”, I say, pointing to the rug, hoping that her killing instinct would kick in. She walks past the ant and starts nuzzingly my hand.
“Buffy! Come here! Look!” By now I’m batting the mutant  flying ant away from me with “What to Expect When You’re Expecting”; you know, as opposed to crushing said ant with said book, which would be gross.
Buffy replies by hopping in the bathtub, “MOW”ing.
“You two are f-ing useless!”, I cry, grabbing a wad of toilet paper.
I knew if I didn’t get the ant rightnow, he’d get into my shower curtain to make more flying ants and generally scare the piss out of me.
Meanwhile, Kali’s in the hallway.

And Bailey’s downstairs barking at something in the street that could possibly be interested in coming into the house and stealing her toys or hurting me.

So,with my pants around my ankles, I start hunting the ant.

I caught him and threw him in the toilet and the jerk starts SWIMMING!
After I got done screaming at it, I threw another piece of toilet paper on him and flushed.

And that, ladies and gentlemen, is how I defeated a giant mutant ant. On my own.

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28 responses

25 05 2010
Dolce

I just snorted tea ALLLLLLLLLLL over my keyboard. Not good. But next time I have a giant ant infestation. I shall call you, oh fearless one!

25 05 2010
Stephanie of Stopbouncing

I.O.U. one keyboard.
As long as you don’t mind a crazy lady running screaming through your domicile, I’ll crush as many as I can.

25 05 2010
daisyfae

this would make a spectacular children’s book! and you’ve already done the drawings!

25 05 2010
Stephanie of Stopbouncing

“If you don’t eat all of your peas, mommy’s going to draw you a book.”

25 05 2010
sammy25

O…M…G…. This made my morning!!!!! I sure am glad you decided to drown the flying ant as retribution for the pantless flying-ant exorcism you performed! The pictures are perfection!!!!

25 05 2010
Stephanie of Stopbouncing

Drowning seemed more permanent then crushing with a book or throwing in the trash.

25 05 2010
Dennis the Vizsla

Ripley’s got nothing on you when it comes to taking out giant insects!

26 05 2010
Stephanie of Stopbouncing

All I need is a theme song.

25 05 2010
Yo' Momma

I agree with your early commenter that you should write children’s books. It would showcase the bravery and courage of one mother protecting her brood from winged creatures. Loved the post and art.

26 05 2010
Stephanie of Stopbouncing

First, thanks for stopping by!
Secondly, how does the parents council feel about swearing? I mean, it’s how mommies and daddies talk, so technically….

25 05 2010
hisqueen

ok..you sitting on the toilet just smiling away with your arms on your hips just creeps me out and makes me snort pepsi out my nose.
KILLIT KILLIT KILLIT…where was Steve during all this. He left his woman defenseless with killer ants.
I can hardly wait till your little Tricycle Motor is old enough to read your old blogs.

26 05 2010
Stephanie of Stopbouncing

hey, when you pee 400 times a day, you do what you can because it’s not like you can multi-task. I was probably stretching my back out, again. There’s also a stack of books on the toilet because you never know.
Steve had a late volleyball game, but I guess we figured that 3 pets should be enough protection.

26 05 2010
Anonymous

tears… make-up ruined… too funny. Fabulous pictures…

28 05 2010
Stephanie of Stopbouncing

and my job here is done.

26 05 2010
Connie

EX TER MIN A TOR!!! ROFL!

26 05 2010
Connie

pants on the ground, pants on the ground…love the crawling on the floor, pants around the ankles with kleenex drawing…maybe you could make greeting cards LOL.

28 05 2010
Stephanie of Stopbouncing

looking like a bug killer witch yur pants on da ground!

26 05 2010
twobarkingdogs

Best thing I’ve read on the web/blogs in ages. I too have a small problem with ants, but seem to have things under control at the moment. I just wish I could get my hands on some DDT.
😉

28 05 2010
Stephanie of Stopbouncing

aw, I’m flattered!
I’d like to get my hands on some cats who know what to do in the face of danger.

26 05 2010
that girl

Oh goodness. What a story!

28 05 2010
Stephanie of Stopbouncing

and only slightly overdramatized!

28 05 2010
Tony

Ha Ha that is the best story I’ve read in a long time. Your illustrations as usual are brilliant. I am amazed at the size of those things

28 05 2010
Stephanie of Stopbouncing

These ants mean BUSINESS.
Perhaps they use those giant light bulbs you showed earlier in the week.
Glad you like the drawings; they just add to the insanity of the whole thing.

28 05 2010
Jill

OK – that is so not fair… making me laugh so hard when my stomach still hurts is not very nice!

I haven’t seen any of the Giant Ants this year, but I have come across what seems like an abnormally large amount of regular ants all over the place so far this year (outside, not inside that goodness!)… maybe because of the early spring, ants will be a problem this year? I hope not.

I think that the Furry Ones were just testing your mettle to see what you’re made of and I’m sure that at their nightly Secret Society meeting you received some kind of award or honor from them 🙂

Loved the drawings!

29 05 2010
kyknoord

Too early, too early! This should’ve all happened on Pantsless Thursday.

30 05 2010
lavenderbay

What Tony said.

30 05 2010
nat @book, line, and sinker

hahahahhahahah. and i thought we had troubles with a minor spring spider infestation! we’ve got nothing on you guys. love the illustrations; clearly you’re in the wrong profession.

ps. had a blast in buffalo. even took a small (accidental) side-trip to south buffalo crack house. whoopsie. trying to get to hopkins road but i was in the wrong town–apparently, i needed a suburb of buffalo. got to drive on HUSSY (heussy) road. scare-eee.

29 06 2010
trishothinks

I love the quality graphics you made for your story…..he he.

Very professional….he he.

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