Ellicottville is CougarTown

8 11 2009


I have nothing against Ellicottville NY…. well, except that some people sport those little oval stickers that say “EVL” because they’re trendy like that.
Up until this weekend, I never really thought  of EVL as evil.

The concert was in Salamanca, which is about 10 miles south of EVL and with lodging costing over four times as much, well, the situation basically solved itself.
Before the show, we went to a bar in EVL. The atmosphere was nice, music okay, it wasn’t crowded and the bartender was tolerable.
Well, by the time we got back to the bar after the show, we had to do a double take.
There was a thumping coming from inside that could only be described at Top-40.
Inside, our nightmares came true.

There were tables of Kate Gosslins*.
Women old enough to be our mothers, wearing short skirts and furry knee boots; very apres ski, despite the season not starting,
Women with mid-life hair, grinding against their girlfriends.
Women drinking drinks that involved fruit.
For the record, THIS woman was drinking Coors Light (because she’s watching her figure) and switched over to Labatt Blue when one of the eight guys she was hanging out with [on purpose; friends]  forgot what she was drinking.

One of the eight, let’s call him, Mr. Anderson, decides that he’s going to try and get some Crisis Tail.
Wearing an In-and-Out burger hat, a cartoon t-shirt and a furry beer gut, somehow the women were flocking to him.
I do not understand.
Some choice comments of the night:
-“Oh, that’s what desperation smells like. I thought it was KY and diaphragms.”
– “That’s not even an angry fuck, that’s revenge fuck.”
– “You know that they’ve just found out that their divorce is final and they decide to take a girl’s weekend to Eville and just ‘let loose’. Uck.”
– “The best part about being married is not having to date. I’d probably be trying to dance and someone like Mr. Anderson would come up behind me and start grinding me into the wall…”

Watching Mr. Anderson trying to score was by far the most entertaining thing at any bar and it wasn’t until we were rather trashed that we opted to go to EBC and by then, I was seeing double.
However, I was a functional drunk, unlike 95% of the population of EVL’s Kwik-e-Mart… people standing against coolers, asking whoever would listen why there wasn’t any pizza and bumping into things.
Being a card-carrying girl, I made the best of a bad situation, picking out chips, dip, tortillas and nacho cheese; the most bang for the least buck.
The boys were pleased at the offering, having already eaten all of the cupcakes and not being in any condition to make it to the vending machine,
Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have a pizza joint to open.

* If you don’t have “Jon & Kate Plus 8” on your TV, it’s a “reality” show about a family that has 8 kids and the wife pretty much spent the first seasons yelling at the husband and berating him on national television. They’re now divorced. Which I’m hoping surprised no one.



18 responses

8 11 2009
Dennis the Vizsla

Wait … how did Mr. Anderson get an In-N-Out Burger hat in upstate New York?

9 11 2009
Stephanie of Stopbouncing

He’s from Arizona, or so the story goes… but still… of all the things you’d pack to travel, an in-and-out hat? really?

8 11 2009
Dennis the Vizsla

(I would flock to him too if I thought he could score me free In-N-Out Burgers.)

9 11 2009

One of many reasons to quit the bar circuit after numerous years: Realizing that one now resembles the people one used to mock.

9 11 2009
Stephanie of Stopbouncing

Eek, I’m hoping it didn’t come across as mocking… it was more of a “what are you people doing here? Aren’t you above dancing to ‘Birthday Sex’?”

9 11 2009

i need to find a bar like that in my town…

yeah, i typed that out loud. post divorce is not a happy time despite the fact it’s the right thing to be divorced.

9 11 2009
Stephanie of Stopbouncing

Maybe it’s because I’m on the other side of the fence on this, but at a certain, um, maturity, aren’t you supposed to be smarter than to hook-up with skeezy 30-year-olds, despite how much you want to get laid?

9 11 2009

Um, I drink drinks with fruit in them.

But the rest of this post – hysterical but not shocking. I once was at a bar in B-lo, and the women were wearing sweatshirts and scrunchies. That might be WORSE than short skirts and ski boots…

9 11 2009
Stephanie of Stopbouncing

uaaaaagghhhH! scrunchies!

9 11 2009

What pray tell is mid life hair and please God tell me I don’t have it!!!

this sounds almost like being in Walmart on a Saturday!

10 11 2009
Stephanie of Stopbouncing

Midlife hair… Kate Gosslin… something that takes so much time and effort you HAVE to pay attention… Pretty sure you don’t have mid-life hair.

10 11 2009

I love scrunchies, don’t like Kate or Jon..both are self centered, money grubbing individuals who are placing undue stress and anxiety on their poor children.
Now I think we’ll have pizza for dinner…love pizza

10 11 2009

First, I am DAMN happy not to have cable. I would have understood way more of this post. Also, I am hoping I don’t fit into any of the above categories. Even though I used a scrunchie to hold up my hair mess whilst doing yard work this weekend. I am happily married and would never yell at my husband on camera. I also do not own fuzzy hair boots. And I have two kids, so I never leave the house. I get drunk at home. I rock out to Andrew Bird. I am oooooold.

PS: House says you would have been better off hanging out w/ him this weekend. And he will happily knock you up so you never ever have to behold such a spectacle ever again. Ever.


10 11 2009

PS: Pass the chips & get me some more wine, will ya?

Thanks babe.

11 11 2009
Stephanie of Stopbouncing

chips and wine on the double!

House talks a big talk, but can he walk a big walk?

11 11 2009

I asked and he says “THE BIGGEST.”

PS: He also wants to know if the HI Xpress is b.c things aren’t working out w/ “The Mister.” ?

PPS: If the answer is “yes” he says “sorry to hear it” (but I know he is thinking “gooood.”)

11 11 2009
Stephanie of Stopbouncing

and I thought that was just the wind in the trees. I will wait for him.

11 11 2009

OK so now I’ve googled In & Out Burgers & I must say they do look good, especially the double-double. Anyway my prayer is that when I turn 50 next year that I don’t to turn into a Mr Anderson…

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