In Which Stephanie Doesn’t Expect You to Understand

17 04 2009

As most of my faithful readers know, I have Dysthymia. And no, I can’t pronounce it either.
For those of you new to the fray, it pretty much means my brain can’t shut-off the nasty voices in my head and I’m pretty much always sad on the inside.
Because we all know that wikipedia is The Do-All-End-All in knowledge (I kid, I kid) here’s the link if you’re interested: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Dysthymia

Anyway,
Easter saw me in an “episode” which was included, but not limited to, curling up in a ball and crying… for no reason.
This is part of my, gosh, disease makes it sound so, je ne sais quoi, leper-like… affliction?
I’ll pretty much be down, hiding any type of real sadness from Joe Everybody, typically using humor and once and a while, I  have a major breakdown.  I.E. Easter.

The doc and I discussed these “lulls” and medication and vitamins etc…
Last night, Steve and I were discussing the same and he looks to me and asks, “Really, is your life that bad?”

No.
No it’s not.
My life actually kicks ass.
Which is why I wish I knew why I felt sad on the inside.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to explain to someone that you’re crushingly sad and you don’t know why and you can’t “just cheer up”?
Trying to explain your mental state to someone who doesn’t understand?
Gosh, it’s really hard to put into words.
And yes, it is all in my head. I know that. The meds help take care of that, but it’s hard to explain (even to myself) how and why this happens.

I just feel, beh, like I wish there was a way to get him inside my head to see and hear what it’s like.

Like that movie, The Butterfly Effect

Truthfully, I think it’s got a lot to do with the way he was raised… of the “walk it off” mentality… and I can’t. And he doesn’t get it. And I’m at my wit’s end.

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18 responses

17 04 2009
daffy

Well you certainly explained in well enough for me to understand a little. It must be very tough… you have people who love and understand as much as they can and your life kicks ass! I think you are brilliant! Go you. I know it must be awful to endure these episodes… are they a result of not taking the meds or do they just happen?

17 04 2009
Stephanie of Stopbouncing

[@ connie] you’re a sweetie! The episodes just happen… I’m typically pretty good with the med routine, basically because I don’t like how I feel without it. Because it’s hard to tell when I’ll freak out, there’s not much I can do ahead of time other than permanently up-the-dosage (which adds to the complex) or try to rationalize myself out of it… sometimes I have ideas in my head that make sense inside, but not so much outside… I’m glad my rambling was quite as incoherent as I thought 🙂

17 04 2009
stacy

I’m sorry. I sort of get it – I do not have Dysthymia, so clearly, I do not get it completely – but, I also found myself a hysterical, for no reason, on Easter evening, with no way to explain why to my husband… and then he gets mad/annoyed because I can’t articulate why I’m an absolute mess – and then I start crying HARDER. Because, really? If I’m hysterical, either (a) leave me the f alone; or (b) give me a hug. Get me some water. HELP me. Anyway, I figured I’d share my own little experience, given that my husband is also of the “walk it off” mentality.

I’m not sure how to make someone get it… but, I agree with DAFFY, your post was pretty clear and articulate 🙂 Can it not be regulated all the way with meds? Is there some way that you can tell him – when this happens, I need you to (a) not take it personally, and, (b) (c) and (d) to help?

17 04 2009
Stephanie of Stopbouncing

[@ stacy] Steve was actually REALLY good with me Sunday. He came over, let me get make-up all over his shirt… and when we talked about it, “I’m upset because I don’t know why I’m crying which makes me even more upset, which makes me want to cry even more…” And then, the embarrassment… poor guy drove around Hamburg until my face-de-puffed. I think everyone has one of those freak-outs now and then.

17 04 2009
stacy

Good! The husband-awesome-ness clearly helps a lot!

17 04 2009
daisyfae

although nowhere close to being on the same scale, my former husband would see me flapping about, dealing with personal/professional stress and just freaking at my state of ‘overwhelmed’. and he’d say the most brilliant thing ever: “Just don’t be so stressed”. if i’d been prone to violence, i’d have hit him with a shoe.

but it seems there really isn’t a good way to explain the core sadness. you seem to manage it exceptionally well… hope the latest round levels out soon. keep writing…

17 04 2009
hisqueen1

I think you found a good one in Steve. Now you need to get out and find a good one in you doctor..
The way I was is nothing compared to you..mine was stress related and once I got rid of Him I got off my meds…never to go on again.
what you have is different and it’s great that Steve is there for you and understands.
It says alot that you can sit down and write to us about it..everyday is a great accomplishment…

17 04 2009
thedailydish

Hang in there Bouncy. We all have had these moments, but having them perpetually.. can’t even imagine. Do you meditate or pray? Does wonders for me – especially when I’m having issues w/ Meniere’s. Sometimes surrendering myself is the only way I can deal w/ the loss of control associated w/ the disease. Best of luck to you – sincerely. xo

17 04 2009
nat @ book, line, and sinker

bouncer…that sounds like a horror show. i’m so sorry that you have to deal with something like this. i hope that with medication and treatment you will be feeling more sunny soon. we all love ya. xoxo

18 04 2009
Dad and Mom

Ahhhh, you have to love genetics. Recessive genes I think. I think we all go through those morose times and a good cry can bring great relief, if you except it as a release. We are so happy that Steve can bring you comfort without taking it personally, and that he Loves you so much (no matter who your parents are [Mom said to insert smiley face here]). As far as anyone other then you and Steve dealing with this… as long as you two are that is all that matters.

Mega Hella Hugs

18 04 2009
Dad and Mom

PS…. WTF happened to Mr. Bill? OHhhhhhh noooooooo

18 04 2009
morethananelectrician

I am sorry for your discomfort. I can understand what you described, but i am glad I don’t have to experience that myself.

19 04 2009
Dolce

Oh noes? I’m so sorry Bouncing lady. I have the odd day like that, but can’t imagine what it must be like to be permanently plagued by the black dog. ((((hugs))))

19 04 2009
Stephanie of Stopbouncing

wow, this is… weird… i didn’t expect (or fish for) this kind of support. Sometimes it feels better to just say what’s on your mind rather then holding it in.
Meanwhile, I’m going to go play in the yard, weeding, feeding, cleaning… controlling the dirt helps.

19 04 2009
Doraz

Stephanie, I have noticed your comments with Dennis. I have not had a chance to visit here. Thank you for visiting me today. Anyways, I knew nothing about your medical challenge, and I think you are doing a FANTASTIC job! You have the attitude it takes to put up with the crap that life throws at you! Hats off!! I am adding you to my blogroll, OK? 🙂

20 04 2009
Stephanie of Stopbouncing

[@ Doraz] Welcome to the fray! Generally, the swings are pretty controlled, it’s when you get that odd curve ball.. thank goodness for Blog Therapy!

20 04 2009
Tony

Hi Stephanie, I just realized I missed you off my blogroll & RSS reader so your on them now. Your illness must be so hard to cope with. I can’t say it either without sounding like I have a bad lisp. I have Generalised Anxiety Disorder & I often can’t understand or explain why I sometimes get anxious/stressed/panicky for no obvious reason. The mental pills keep me relatively normal
Have a nice day
Regards Tony

20 04 2009
Stephanie of Stopbouncing

[@ Tony] Ah, I knew I liked you for a reason. Irrationalists Unite!

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