As most of my faithful readers know, I have Dysthymia. And no, I can’t pronounce it either.
For those of you new to the fray, it pretty much means my brain can’t shut-off the nasty voices in my head and I’m pretty much always sad on the inside.
Because we all know that wikipedia is The Do-All-End-All in knowledge (I kid, I kid) here’s the link if you’re interested: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Dysthymia
Easter saw me in an “episode” which was included, but not limited to, curling up in a ball and crying… for no reason.
This is part of my, gosh, disease makes it sound so, je ne sais quoi, leper-like… affliction?
I’ll pretty much be down, hiding any type of real sadness from Joe Everybody, typically using humor and once and a while, I have a major breakdown. I.E. Easter.
The doc and I discussed these “lulls” and medication and vitamins etc…
Last night, Steve and I were discussing the same and he looks to me and asks, “Really, is your life that bad?”
No it’s not.
My life actually kicks ass.
Which is why I wish I knew why I felt sad on the inside.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to explain to someone that you’re crushingly sad and you don’t know why and you can’t “just cheer up”?
Trying to explain your mental state to someone who doesn’t understand?
Gosh, it’s really hard to put into words.
And yes, it is all in my head. I know that. The meds help take care of that, but it’s hard to explain (even to myself) how and why this happens.
I just feel, beh, like I wish there was a way to get him inside my head to see and hear what it’s like.
Truthfully, I think it’s got a lot to do with the way he was raised… of the “walk it off” mentality… and I can’t. And he doesn’t get it. And I’m at my wit’s end.