I’ve Been Gnomed!

12 03 2009

Often (okay, quite often) I question just how girlie I’m not.
Case in point socks and um, other cotton products.
Fine, underpants. We’re all adults here.
I think “panties” is a stupid word and I do refer to my undergarments as “underpants”.
I digress.

The time has come (that time being “laundry time”) when I realize that my stash of underpants is just this side of embarrassing.
While they’re all clean, they’re um, worn. From wearing. There may be holes in them.  I have more than one pair that have lost elasticity, a few with rips and tears…. (oh, see, and you thought I was all girlie.  As long as they’re clean, they’re acceptable)
I hate shopping for underwear as most men hate shopping in general.

Whilst in Kohl’s, I looked at the offering of underpants.
It seems that my happy medium has been reduced to: Thong or Full-Coverage. Butt-Crack or Shoulders. Inappropriate or Inappropriate.
Men, I know most of you like the th-th-th-thong-thong-thong.  Let me tell you what.  It’s winter.  DRY SKIN SEASON.  Dry skin+exposed cheeks+rough insides of pants= flaky butt.  Flaky butts are not hot butts.  Not to mention that having a string jammed up your crack isn’t very comfy.  Or hygenic.  DO YOU SEE WHAT WE GO THROUGH FOR YOU?!?!

Thank goodness Target was next door.
There, my choices expanded to include: Somewhat Less Inappropriate but in Colors Fit for a Ten-Year Old (read: “blushing pink”, “lilac”, patterns of butterflies/swirls/cartoon flowers.)
Oh, sure, I could go to Victoria’s Secret, but even their selection seems too meh.  Not to mention, the frugality of it. Five underpants for thirty dollars?!? Do they massage my butt? No?  Pass.
Picking out the least scarring package of underpants, I head to the checkout.

This morning, I went downstairs to retrieve my new garments.
But, my underpants… where are they?!
They’re on the receipt!
And then, the panic.
Steve took a bag with him to work.  Spoons, tissues… underpants?
I don’t want/need his plant knowing what kind of underwear I wear!  Let alone the size! (hey, VPL is not something I encourage)

So, either my underpants are floating around an automobile plant or they’ve been gnomed.

Step 1

Phase 1

Are you picky about your undergarments?
Do you stock up like in this post musing on the how and why of cotton products?
Do you vary your underwardrobe?
Where are YOUR underpants?

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16 responses

12 03 2009
stacy310

I’m sorry… but the thought of your underwear wandering aimlessly around an auto plant – hysterical.

12 03 2009
Stephanie of Stopbouncing

I can only think of that scene from “16 Candles”

12 03 2009
natalie

i’m persnickety about my panties…i only buy a certain brand, certain colors, and certain cut. but you already knew i was a freak.

i’m going to get a shamrock shake.

xoxo

12 03 2009
Stephanie of Stopbouncing

That sounds like it takes a lot of time and effort.

12 03 2009
natalie

my shamrock shake efforts were thwarted. now i’m sad. i’m going to rebel by having popcorn for dinner.

13 03 2009
Stephanie of Stopbouncing

I had popcorn for lunch and the latter half of a container of cookie dough ice cream for dinner.
Pass the bon-bons would ya?

12 03 2009
that girl

Underwear shopping is perhaps the most dreaded kind of shopping for me. It wasn’t a huge ordeal until I started teaching and began running into my students everywhere I go. Now I feel like I’m on an undercover mission if I ever have to buy new ones. ugh.

BTW, I heard on the radio that granny panties are in style now.

13 03 2009
Stephanie of Stopbouncing

Granny panties do leave something to imagination…

12 03 2009
morethananelectrician

At least they aren’t the old underpants wandering around the plant!!!!!

13 03 2009
Stephanie of Stopbouncing

hmmm, true that… and being new, they are intact…

13 03 2009
fastbackss

Wow. Having spent significant amounts of time in an auto plant, the mere thought of said scenario sends shivers down my spine. You may be worried about it, but I would be more worried for Steve. There is no way, regardless of the amount of explanation, that he would be able to live it down.

Two asides. One, it really is too early in the morning for me to think about this.

Second, once you get on Victoria’s “list”, things get a lot cheaper. She is perpetually sending us coupons for free pantaloons, that include discounts on other things (like say matching brasseries). Hell, if I used every coupon that came to my house I could supply an auto plant at least every other month.

13 03 2009
Stephanie of Stopbouncing

Wow, I honestly have nothing to say to that.

13 03 2009
Stephanie of Stopbouncing

Okay, everyone can calm down.

Knowing what their fate was, the underpants pacted with Steve’s spoons and some paper bowls and left themselves at Target.
They were retrieved last night and my butt is donned in comfort (yet weirdly colored).

13 03 2009
Connie

Hanes Her Way Cotton Underpants!!! Woohooo! I will NEVER EVER understand thongs…or as someone I know calls them “nasty girl panties”
(does that just kill you?)

Ditto on the 16 Candles scene…Steve could have made out like a bandit and charged everyone $$$ to see them, then you could go buy stuff from Kohls.

Must go underwear shopping turned “our” underwear into tie dyed. My husband doesn’t like the pink!

14 03 2009
Dennis the Vizsla

Why, they are right here in my drawer. Just look — heyyyyy, where did all my underpants go? Curse you underpants gnomes!!!

16 03 2009
Stephanie of Stopbouncing

Check at Target.
Or with your bowls.

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