In which Stephanie Critiques a Spammer

19 01 2009

My comments are in red.  Red like my annoyance.

My dear friend (we’re friends?  I don’t even know you),

I am writing to seek your consent to present you to the bank (I get presented?  Is this like one of those olde tyme coming out parties?) as a beneficiary to the funds of our client “Dr. George Brumley” (so he’s “like” Dr. George Brumley…)who died Five (since when is “five” a proper noun?) years ago leaving behind Capital (same with “capital”) amount (US$27.7M) in the bank here where I work, only if you are interested. (you know I hate run-on sentences) (oh, and the money is only left at the bank if I am interested?  What happens if I’m not interested?  Where does that money go?  Puppy mills?  Nuns for Orphans?  Tom Cruise?)
My name is Mr. Joseph Mkula a South African (I have no faith in your education system because you forgot a comma and you are a shame to educated South Africans) . I am his account manager (you’re your account manager?), and till date (what’s a “till date”?  Is it like a “henweigh?”*) no body (no body?  Are you referring to the deceased?  Do you need a body?  I can talk to people in Jersey.  Ohhhhh, you mean “nobody” don’t you….) has come forward or put application for the claim (???). You can confirm from this website: http://www.sptimes.com/2003/07/21/Worldandnation/12_Americans_die_in_K.shtml Should (SHOULD IS NOT A PROPER NOUN!) you be interested to invest in this capital intensive project (“capital intensive project”?), please reply with your full names (Does “Mitzy Doppleanger” count as full names?), occupation, telephone, and fax number (but I don’t have a fax?  Does this mean I don’t get to be involved in the capital intensive project? damnitall.) for further clarification.

Thank you, Mr. Joseph Mkula

* “What’s a henweigh?”
“‘bout three
pounds”
HAHAHAHHAHAHAHHA

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5 responses

19 01 2009
thegnukid

are you insane, Stephanie? there’s MONEY being offered to you. lots of it! for free!! why aren’t you calling this guy instead of critiquing him? sheesh… if only i were so lucky to have an unknown and dead beneficiary. ;->

SB: Why, yes, I am insane. Why do you ask? Oh, the money thing!

19 01 2009
morethananelectrician

Uh…could you see if he can let me in on this deal!

SB: I can should forward mail to you Should you be interested.

20 01 2009
daffy

Sounds like an Opportunity Not tobe missed. 😮
hehe Loved the first comment.

SB: Where is that un-delete button?

20 01 2009
Melissa the most awesome person you know oh yeah that's right

Dear Mr. Joseph Mkula a South African,

I am writing to seek your consent to present you to Hooked on Phonics. It worked for me. Well, not me, I was actually born with a propensity to proper grammar and proper usage of the English language. Still, though, I believe this to be a program from which you would benefit.

As your dear friend, please allow me to provide you with some advice. When attempting to contact a total stranger in order to convince them to assist you in conducting illegal money transfers, it is always advisable to narrow your mailing list down to the drunk, elderly, feeble-minded, or get-rich-quick-schemers. Should you have a television, I strongly recommend you turn it on and select your companion in crime from any reality television series you stumble across.

Should you be interested, please respond with your real name, phone number, address, date of birth, eye color, favorite Olsen twin, a recipe for slow cooker short ribs, and the name and number of Justin Timberlake.

Thank you in advance.
Melissa

SB: Hold the bus. The Olsens are twins? My god, I thought they were the same person. NO WAY MISTER!

20 01 2009
Melissa the most awesome person you know oh yeah that's right

Clearly, I don’t need the NAME and number of Justin Timberlake.

Ruined the whole thing.

SB: Unless of course, Mr. JT is a stage name. No wonder that guy I keep calling insists he’s not THE Justin Timblerlake.

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