Stephanie= Bundle of Emotions

25 03 2008

I’ll try not to be too much of a downer, though I’m hoping that writing will quiet the conversations in my head.  If things seem very vague, I apologize.

I feel like I’m dealing with a lot of anger.  Granted, I’m not traditionally religious, but I’m pretty sure that my anger is rooted towards a higher power.
It’s like, if someone does “all the things they’re supposed to do” why do shitty things happen to them?
Is it some kind of weird cosmic/karma thing?  Is what you thought you were supposed to do wrong?
I’m not just talking about how much it sucks that Grandpa is dying, it also sucks that Grandma has to deal with Grandpa’s dying.  And we have to deal with Grandpa’s dying.  But I feel the worst for Grandma as I can literally tell her heart is breaking every time he coughs.
We all know it is coming, but like all the other inevitable deaths that I’ve had to deal with, knowing doesn’t make it any easier.
Half of me just wants it over with, half of me is feeling like someone who keeps a pet alive because it’s what the owner wants, not necessary what is best for the pet.  Sorry for comparing my Grandpa to a pet.
While I know that sitting here pining over the unavoidable isn’t going to change anything, I can’t stop thinking.
I think about my own life… if this is how it goes down, what’s the point of being good?  Not saying I’ve lived my life as a saint (I think we all know I’m not a wonderful person, deep down, though I am admittedly less wretched as if late) but what’s the point of epiphanies and the straight and narrow if you just get screwed in the end?!?

Why do bad things happen to good people?




2 responses

25 03 2008

I’m just wandering by and saw your post. I am sorry that you are suffering. I also just lost someone dear to me last week, the pain is feeling very fresh.
Bad things happen because bad things happen. It won’t matter wether you are good or bad.
But the time that you spend here and the quality of the light that you share with others will be reflected in how the experience is overall.

Your family is suffering because of the joy your grandfather has shared. If he was a rotten, old crodgedy creep, who had lost his family and frends, no one would care.

What is good, is that he is making his transition surrounded by his family who loves him.

Some days love hurts. But to never have love at all would be the worse existence imaginable.
I can tell you are a good person. You know love, and you know when it hurts.

saying a prayer for your family and you,


25 03 2008

We make choices in our lives, but most importantly, we make the choice to love or not love. I had a “grandfather” for most of my life, but he chose not to have a relationship with his kids (my mom and her brothers), and by default, we didn’t have him for a grandfather. I didn’t love him, and when he passed, I wasn’t sad. You can’t miss someone you never cared about.

You love your grandfather for myriad reasons and I’m sure he’s given you countless memories that will, believe it or not, sustain you through this lifetime. You chose to love him at a very early age, and through your relationship with him, the love has grown to be a part of who you are, and that is a beautiful and special thing that no one, nothing, not even death, can ever take from you.

Your grandmother chose to love her husband, your grandfather, and in her love, she stands by him while he makes this final life transition. I’d be willing to bet that even though it hurts her, there is nowhere in the world she’d rather be. Your family “deals with it,” not out of obligation, but out of love. Trust me, when my Gram was passing (I believe they called it “the active phase of dying”), those of us who were there were there because we wanted those precious last days to celebrate her life and to celebrate the fact that without her, we wouldn’t be there at all. It hurts like hell, but we endure.

You are an incredible, caring, sensitive, strong, and brilliant woman. Stephanie, you will be able to keep him forever in your heart as he was when he was well. You’re a natural story teller, and you can share his stories with other family members, close friends, and eventually, your children. Keeping his memory alive, while sometimes painful, is a way you can forever keep him in your life.

I know you’re angry, and that’s completely normal and expected. Blame is normal. Not understanding is normal. Unspeakable sadness is normal. Having a loved one pass is one of the hardest things the living have to deal with and it is never easy, not when there’s that much love involved.

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