The Din of Emotion

27 12 2007

We went to visit my family this year for Christmas.
For those of you who didn’t follow me over from Myspace, my Grandpa is in the end-stages of stage four lung cancer and we’re not really expecting him to make it until next Christmas. 
Now that Christmas is done, I’m filled with a number of emotions.
* Happy that he’s lead such an awesome life.
* Sad that this is the way it’s going to go down.
* Relieved that he’s getting treatment to improve his quality of life.
* Nervous about losing him.
* Grateful that he’s been such a great grandfather.
* Sorrowed by the thought that he may not pass easily.
* Touched that he and Grandma seem even more in love.
* Anticipatory that the next trip will be awful.
* Glad that he will be with Aunt Cheryl.
* Greedy because he’s always been invincible.
* Upset that he doesn’t want to follow his treatment plan by saying he doesn’t want things like x-rays.
* Relieved that when we hugged, it was the best hug I ever got from him; unlike any other he’s ever given me.

I’m to the point where I am very in limbo.  Do I throw caution to the wind and celebrate life or do I err on the side of caution so that I can be there for my grandkids?  Do I dwell upon the wonder and beauty of life or ponder the purpose of love when it only seems to hurt?

Egad, I’m a mess.

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2 responses

27 12 2007
Pye

Not to denegrate what you are feeling but limbo is not the place I would ascribe you to, we’d have all that orginal sin thing to figure out, trying to decide if this was a Catholic slight deficiency or total depravity that the Protestants like so much. Perhaps we could move you over to a state of flux …… terminal illness is always so tough, we get caught hanging back trying to input and process all the emotions you are feeling. Trying to intelectualize this will put you over the edge in what is already a sea of emotion. Live inside your heart not your head and if I beat you to the “otherside” I’ll ask god what he/she has in mind with all this …. I’ll try to send you a message….
It probably will not make anymore sense then this one did.

28 12 2007
Melissa

I actually was just about to send you an e-mail asking if something was wrong, because you seemed a bit quiet (not that you can really tell via e-mail, but I had a sense that something was going on).
I don’t have any words of wisdom – I don’t know how to make it easier for you. But I can offer you a virtual hug and tell you that I’m here if you need/want to talk.

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