Trying to Pinpoint the Problem

I’m fidgity.
Not just on the outside, but on the inside.

Is it because I’m used to wearing many “hats” and now I have like, half a hat?
Is it the pace?
Maybe the fact that despite having a conversation, I still don’t feel as though I’m trusted?
Is it how when my co-worker isn’t here, my responsibilities don’t really change and I’m basically told that whatever is needed “It can wait until she gets back”?
Could it be my hormones raging?
Or the feeling of inadequacy when people are seemingly disappointed when my co-worker is out?

I’m getting frustrated because I feel like a black sheep who is around because I’m useful.

Sigh.

Who’s got ice cream?

Seriously, What is going on with my emotions?!

Holy crap.
I’m a bear today.  I was a bear last night.
I am seriously unhinged and I can’t pinpoint why.
Even right now, I’m festering, but I don’t know what’s set me off.
The Office Agitator started with me already this morning and I frankly told him, “Look, I’m not really in a mood for humor, so if I seem bearish,  it’s nothing personal.”

Holy Shit, what is happening to me?!

And here I thought we were all adults

Since starting the prescription regime, I can count on one hand the number of times I’ve been really mad… you know, so mad that I realize it… which used to be ALL THE TIME.
So there’s a new person around and they’re basically taking over the duties I took over when we had a shift in management.  No big, I got over that part.
Perhaps this is a good time to bring up a good point.  I have a VERY hard time dealing with you if you don’t respect me.
Right, so this person comes up and asks me a reasonable question. I begin to answer, realize an error and begin to explain how/why this may have happened.  At this point, someone else walks up to the questionee, doesn’t say anything to them, waits for our conversation to end and the questionee turns towards the new arrivee and proceeds to hold a conversation with them.
I WASN’T EVEN IN BETWEEN SENTENCES.  I WAS BETWEEN WORDS.
At this point, my jaw just drops open.  SassyInnerVoice pulls a “Oh no you didn’t.”  I am shocked.  Awed.
Really?  Did you just decide to end your conversation with me?  While I was talking?
When their conversation is over, the questionee goes back to the appropriate location in the cube farm.  Doesn’t apologize, doesn’t try to pick up the conversation… ( I came back to write this next part of the paragraph while I was re-reading/revising)  And he just asked someone else the same question… (back to original thoughts)
I turn to my co-worker and ask if that really just happened.  She nods.
And now I’m beyond pissed.
This is after a conversation we had this morning where they were trying to explain a report to me that I used to handle.  Like I’m an idiot.  And tells me many times how important it is to get the answers on this problem as the customer is waiting.  I explain that I am in the middle of something and I can get to it soon.  I then hear them ask two other people (who have little to no experience with the account) to help him.  But when YOU ask for something…
And we’re not an overtly nosy group.  If you’re sick and you leave, we don’t come out with a “he was puking all over the place so he left.”  We’re “He left.” receptionists.  Questionee is pumping us for information… DUDE, they left.  What else do you need to know?
It’s almost like if he doesn’t like or agree with the answer, he will ask more people until he’s satisfied.  Maybe he thinks we’re lying to him and he’s checking for inconsistencies.

My quandary is how to tell this person that if they don’t respect me, I will not help them; but keeping with Office Friendly Conversation.  I’ve been working really hard to keep my emotional tenderness is check, but I’m really upset about this.

The Din of Emotion

We went to visit my family this year for Christmas.
For those of you who didn’t follow me over from Myspace, my Grandpa is in the end-stages of stage four lung cancer and we’re not really expecting him to make it until next Christmas. 
Now that Christmas is done, I’m filled with a number of emotions.
* Happy that he’s lead such an awesome life.
* Sad that this is the way it’s going to go down.
* Relieved that he’s getting treatment to improve his quality of life.
* Nervous about losing him.
* Grateful that he’s been such a great grandfather.
* Sorrowed by the thought that he may not pass easily.
* Touched that he and Grandma seem even more in love.
* Anticipatory that the next trip will be awful.
* Glad that he will be with Aunt Cheryl.
* Greedy because he’s always been invincible.
* Upset that he doesn’t want to follow his treatment plan by saying he doesn’t want things like x-rays.
* Relieved that when we hugged, it was the best hug I ever got from him; unlike any other he’s ever given me.

I’m to the point where I am very in limbo.  Do I throw caution to the wind and celebrate life or do I err on the side of caution so that I can be there for my grandkids?  Do I dwell upon the wonder and beauty of life or ponder the purpose of love when it only seems to hurt?

Egad, I’m a mess.