Plug for People who Don’t Know What to get People

mmmm, steam

About three months ago, I posted about Steve presenting me with a steamer.
Now, I’m sure a lot of you are like “steamers are lame”.

Let me tell you that if this steamer wore socks, they would be knocked off.

Why do I love, LOVE, this contraption?
Let me count the ways
1) I can make rice AND shrimp at the same time.
2) Ease of use/cleaning makes it wicked easy to get my veggies
3) Reheats pasta
4) Seasoning the water while it boils transfers taste to whatever
5) It’s cute
6) Dumpling/Potsticker without the frying

Listen interwebs, I am telling you that if you have someone who even likes to cook a little and you don’t know what to get them, give them a moose steamer.

Thank you.

Remembering Apple Pie

Seeing as it’s Apple Season here in WNY…
*wiggly lines of The Time Machine*

… created an apple pie from scratch without a recipe.  I just though about what would taste good in my head. 
Mind you, previous attempts at cooking had turned out rather, um, disastrous.  If you ever run into my dad, mention “Care Bear Cake” and start timing a gag reflex.  (FYI: “Care Bear Cake” was sugar, eggs and milk, microwaved until it became solid and served in huge chunks.)

However, Stephanie’s Apple Pie was far, far less awful.
In fact, Stephanie’s Apple Pie would have “certainly” won an award (as per the nice old ladies running the event) at The Annual Apple Festival, had we not arrived two hours late for judging.

So Dear Reader, tell me about the time you made something without knowing what you were doing.  Don’t leave out the hilarious results either; sometimes those are better than the food itself.  Maybe someone made something potentially deadly for you… either way…

(Un)Original Chicken

I may have found a chicken recipie in a supplement that comes in the Sunday paper… HOWEVER, let it be known that I tweeked the recipie.
That being said:

(Un)Original Chicken
You Need:
*As much chicken as you want.  I purchased the bone-in breast/thigh combo pack, made three pieces as follows and froze two for grilling later.  ($4.00)
* 8 cups of corn flakes, crushed.  I put mine in a freezer bag and beat the hell out of it with a marble rolling pin.  Don’t piss me off.
* The original recipe called for 3 eggs and half-a-cup of milk, but that seemed like a lot.  Then again, it was having you cook 8 lbs of bird… So right, eggs and milk.
* Any, all or none of the following spices: paprika, hot salt, kosher salt, white pepper, black pepper, that little jar of lableless spice from the back of your cabinet (check to make sure it’s not cinnamon), basil.  I prefer my food spicy, so I used a bunch of paprika and pepper but I won’t tell anyone if you season to taste.

1) Oven at 350?  No?  Go turn it on.  But don’t stick your head inside.  And don’t turn on the oven if you’re not planning on using it.  I’m not made of money you know.
2) Lightly beat the egg(s) and milk(s).
2b) Add spices to abused corn flakes.
3) Prep your chicken how you like it.  I opted to de-skin my chicken and that’s way to graphic to describe here.
4) Dip the part into the egg/milk.  Shake.  Sing while you’re shaking.  It helps the coating stick.  It must be a song about chicken or a popular song where you replace your pets name as part of the lyrics.
5) Drop the gooey booby (or sticky thigh) into the cornflake/spice concoction.  I put mine right in the freezer bag, but you could dump it in a bowl and mash/toss.  I pressed the cornflakes into the chicken, but then again, I’m mean.
6) Put chicken onto a sprayed (with non-stick spray) cookie sheet.
7) Put in the oven.  Now here’s where things get tricky.  If I were to have stolen this recipie, then they would have said to cook for an hour.  However, my oven runs on Maritime, so it took about an hour and a half.  Make sure it’s cooked before you eat it, you don’t want to end up like this:

Citrus Grilled Steak and Roasted Veggies

For the Steak:
* Top round. Mine came in a huge chunk, so I sliced horizontally.  Though I guess any thicker cut is acceptable.
* 1/3 cup each soy sauce and lemon juice
* 2/3 cup orange marmalade
* 1 tsp canola oil

For the Veggies:
* 3 medium ears of cobbed corn, cut into thirds (I got to use the cleaver!)
* 1 cup baby carrots
* 1 pound red potatoes.  Go with a smaller ‘tater to ensure cooking.  Quarter each spud.
* Green and Red pepper, minced
* 1 packet onion soup mix
* 1 tablespoon olive oil (I used more)
* Some budder (that’s “butter” for you non-WNYers)
* Heavy duty tin foil

Steak
Mix everything but the steak together and put in a sealable bag, or if you’re a fancy pants, a marinating dish. Mix well and portion out a cup of the marinade.  Take your slab of cow and cut diagonally across, twice, creating a criss-cross pattern.  Repeat on the other side.  Drop the meat in the marinade.  I let mine sit for two hours, though I suppose you could overnight it.

Veggies:
Take the basil, onion mix and oil and mix in a LARGE bowl.  Add the veggies in portions so that everything gets covered.  With a large piece of foil, make a container for the veggies (fold up the sides so they don’t end up all over the counter and floor).  Pour veggies into the foil thing.  Drop a couple of pats of budder amoungst the veggies.  Wrap again and again with foil; you’re going to have to flip the whole kaboodle so keep that in mind when wrapping.

Once your grill is ready for food (I cooked mine at medium), put your steaks on, pouring some of the marinade (from the bag/dish) on the steaks.  Pop your veggie cocoon on at the same time.  No, really.  Close the grill and go do a soduku.  After fifteen minutes, open the grill, flip the meat and the veggies, using that cup you kept of marinade to baste the other side of the steak.  Close the lid and do a wordfind.
After fifteen more minutes (give or take) remove everything from the grill and serve.

(delayed) Wednesday Night Crock Pot: Not Chicken Parm

Not Chicken Parmesan

You need:
* 2 bottles of spaghetti sauce (that’s 2 in proportion to the rest of the ingredient…) in flavor, or not, of your choice
* 3 boneless chicken breasts
* Your choice of topping. We used Kraft shaker Parm, though I guess you could use real cheese.
Optional:
Pasta

Dump the sauce into the pot.  Gently drop chicken in, unless you’re cooking naked, because sauce is a bitch to get out.  Make sure to space breasts so they get the full flavory goodness.
Set slow cooker.  I did 8 hours low for frozen boobs.
Chicken will be super tender and falling apart (or should be) so be careful pulling the pieces out.
I served with extra sauce (no pasta) and a couple shakes of grated parm.  I suppose if you wanted to bake with parm, you put the cheese on the chicken, and bake for until bubbly and brown.

Also, I guess you could just fill a glass pan with sauce and chicken and bake that way if you don’t want to wait eight hours.

(this week, I’m making pulled beef sammies)

Kick-Ass Pot Roast

There’s two, nay three, pieces of background information needed here.
1) Wednesdays are typically “crock pot” nights as Steve’s got school and 10 minutes doesn’t give me enough time to make something that doesn’t come out of a can or box.  Sorry Mom, just can’t cook like you.  I kid, I kid.
2) My crock pot had two settings, Supernova and Chernobyl, despite the markings on the front that said “low” and “high”.  This means that I would typically have to freeze as many ingredients as possible to allow for thawing/cooking without a crazy amount of burning and/or drying out.  Anyone who came over for the Superbowl will have witnessed the bubbling and burning of the chicken wing dip-on low.   Last week, I procured a new crock pot, all digital and wonderful.
3) I’m not a big beef/meat fan.

On Tuesday, my co-worker hooked me up with a bunch of recipes, one of which was for the following:

• Top round roast (or bottom, whatever)
• 2 cans of beef broth
• 1 8oz can of tomato sauce
• chopped onion
• some oil (I used canola)
• salt and pepper to taste

So I put everything in the Super New Crock Pot, set it to low for 6.5 hours and when I came home, it was AWESOME.
I don’t know if Steve shredded it or if it just fell apart, but OH MY GOD.
Really.
The recipe says you make gravy from the liquid but it was like an au jus.
I put it over some egg noodles but I’m sure it’d be just as good over any starch.

But yeah, so if you need something to set and forget, this was SOOOOOO F-ING GOOD.