Dear Co-Worker,

Dear Co-Worker,

There are a few things I would like to say to you but being that I actually like my job and prefer not to be canned, I will address my concerns anonymously.

1) When you are talking to me and I am backing up, it does not mean that you should come closer to talk to me.  In fact, it means quite the opposite.
2) When two people are having a conversation and you have nothing interesting to add, please, shut-up.
3) You are not making friends by standing around, talking to everyone who actually has work to do.  Did you read “How to lose friends and alienate people”?
4) Wandering around taking care of personal business on your cell phone does not count as work.
5) When people walk away from you (or scatter like you’re radioactive) please do not set your sights on someone else to talk to.
6) Buying drinks for the office will not make us like you more.
7) Do not comment on how other people are doing your job wrong.  This is especially true when you’ve passed the buck.
8 ) Do not mark things as “approved” when you clearly did not make sure that the facts were straight.
9) “Did you get that e-mail?” should not be followed by your walking over to the questionees PC and watching him or her open the e-mail; especially when the e-mail is a photo of a container of Jiffy-pop tacked to the wall with the inscription “Redneck Fire Alarm”.
10) People putting items between you and them (like a desk, chair, paper, coffee pot, taser) means that you’re invading their personal space.

Love,
Stephanie

How to Piss Me Off at Work: Part Two

Ah, because I know some of you totally enjoy my whining.
Once again, the disclaimer: This may or may not be in the current office.

• Send me an e-mail then walk over to my desk and ask me if I read the e-mail you just sent me.  You know what, why don’t you just walk over and tell me what you need to tell me instead of reading me the e-mail, from memory, while I read it to get you out of my space.
• Ask me to do something and then come back in about ten seconds as ask me if I’ve done it yet.  Compound levels of anger: is it something you can do yourself?  Did you e-mail me to see if I’ve done it yet?  Bonus points: CC my boss.
• Splatter your lunch all over the microwave and don’t clean it up.
• Sleep at your desk
• Yell at me for things that aren’t my fault/responsibility
• Intimidate me
• Rely on me to provide you with your lunch
• Put things in my in-box  a)in the opposite direction box itself b) in the opposite direction of the last paperwork placed in the box c) with any kind of announcing noise (Including “here’s some more work for you! ha ha ha”) d) hanging off the side of the box.  There is ample room in my inbox and it will safely hold an entire phone book.
• Comment on my lunch.  Regardless of what it is.  Lunch time is Stephanie time and I do not need you to tell me about my salad.  I pack my own lunch.  I know what salad is.  You don’t need to tell me.  Really.  If you’d like to know more about whatever it is I am eating, you may certainly ask, as long as you don’t start the conversation with a twisted face and “WHAT is THAT?” (answer: me ignoring you)
• Assume that because something is in the fridge and not in a bag (or doesn’t have a name/initial scrawled on it) that is “community”.  If I see you using my hot sauce, I will ask you for money when I run out.  Unless you ask me first, then you’re more then welcome to have some.
• Ask me something and when I tell you that I don’t know, look at me like I’m totally lying to you.
• Complain about something and when a reasonable solution is offered, react like that’s the dumbest thing you have heard in your entire life.
• Take credit for my idea(s)
• Incorrect use of apostrophes.  Notice the lack of apostrophe in the previous fragment.  Apostrophes should be used in the possessive form or in the multiple possessive.  Not in words such as “number’s” (NUMBERS [ownership] WHAT?), “drawer’s” (DRAWERS [ownership] WHAT?) etc.

Now, if you’ll excuse me, I am going to eat my reduced salt cottage cheese (because too much salt makes me angry angrier) and crackers (because it drowns out the rest of the din).

Here’s a Fun Game

Dear Reader,

Here is a fun game for you to play.
Below are two conversations taking place at a yearly physical.  One is the actual conversation Stephanie had with her doctor, one is the conversation as Stephanie imagined in her head.  You get to figure out which one is which.  Good luck everyone!
Note: Doctor in this case is a loosely used term as he runs a practice and basically you draw straws to determine who will see you.

Conversation A)
Dr: Okay, let’s take a look at your chart here… and how is (insert any one of the maladies I have)?
me: (appropriate answer)
Dr: I see that your weight down from last year, but I’d like you to continue to work on that.  Here are some tips.
me: cool.
Dr: Let’s get s look in your eyes/ears/mouth.
me: aaaghhhhhhhh!
Dr: And inhale, hold, exhale, again.  Tell me if you feel any pain when I push down.
me: No issue.
Dr: Ah, and your blood work is due.  Our phlebotomist is out so I’ll write you a script to get your blood work done.  Remember to fast for 12 hours.
me: Ew.  Okay.
Dr: And I see here that you have a number of things marked on this depression assessment.  Let’s talk about that.
me: (open dialog)
Dr: And let me explain how you can expect to feel due to your medication and the impending emotional upheaval you’ll have.
me: (open dialog)
Dr: Seems like you could use refills on your nasal steroid.  Still working for you?
me: Yup.
Dr: Let’s see those moles that you’re concerned about.
me: Here, here, here, here, here, here, here, here, here, here, here, here, here, here, here and here.  Oh, and this one.
Dr: I’m not concerned.  Keep an eye on this one.
me: Right on.
Dr: And for your jaw, stop talking so much.
me and Dr: Har dee har har!
Dr: See you in a couple of months!
me: Alright!
And I bound out of the office.

Conversation B)
Empty handed Dr enters the room: Still liking the Zoloft?
me: Yes indeed!
dr: Okay, taking a peek in your eye/ears/nose.
me: ag-
dr: good!
me, knowing I have a full snot locker: um?
dr: and inhale.  Good.  lay back.  let me know if there’s pain.
me: We’re good.
dr: so I’ll write you a refill for your Zoloft and for your blood work.  See you in three months.
me: Wait, um, what about refilling my steroid?  Can I go anywhere to get my blood work done?
dr: Sure, we can refill your ’script.  And, um, I guess any place should be able to do the draw.  bye now.
me: Wait, would you please check a couple moles for me?
(banter about how if I’m concerned, I should see a dermatologist.  Steve and I see the same practice and they removed his…)
dr: okay, so see you in three months.
And the doctor bounds out of the room.
scheduler: Did the doc answer all your questions?
me: No, actually.
scheduler, looking surprised: oh.
me: Really, what’s the point of having me fill out a book of paperwork if the doc isn’t even going to bring my chart into the room?
scheduler: um…
me: Good thing I’m medicated.  Oh, I’m unhappy, but this time last year, I would be livid.
scheduler: Sorry?

So, Reader, how’d you do?
If you came to the correct conclusion, then you would be able to gauge the level of agitation and the increased level of agitation when Stephanie tries to get a hold of the QC person at the office.

Follow Up
got a hold of the QC person who, in as many words, that “that’s not right” and “I’ll speak with [the person who did your assessment]“.  I totally know she was trying to defuse me, but let’s recap.
(I said=they said=BUT)
No chart= Dr. reviews the chart and discusses it with you.  No charts in the room.= Any other time it’s in the room.
Rushed=All the notes taken = that’s AFTER I had to basically block the door
Didn’t bring up anything listed on the paperwork=It’s all reviewed= I KNOW I scored high on the depression scale AND I’M BEING TREATED FOR ANXIETY!!!!  Perhaps a little extra digging?
So, while I feel better that someone knows, I’m still rather agitated that I feel like I was told “that’s not what happened.”
Growler.

How to Piss Me Off: At Work

(if you actually work with me and do any of these things, I’m sorry, it’s nothing personal…  And these are not necessarily current peeves.)

• Use the last of the paper towels/coffee/copy paper/fax paper and don’t replace it
• Leave faxes on the machine.  Especially those journal/transmission reports and obvious junk mail (“Go to Cancun for $0.12!!”)
• Use a wet spoon in the powdered creamer
• Don’t rinse your spoon after mixing your coffee
• Leave your dishes in the sink
• Leave the sponge in the sink, directly over the drain
• Talk REALLY LOUD on the phone
• Have your phone turned up so loud that people across the office can hear it
• Fart around all day and then complain about how behind you are
• Woe is me… especially of my own doing
• Overuse air freshener
• Assume that because I am at my desk, I am at your beck and immediate call, being able to drop whatever it is that I’m doing to help you
• Invade my personal space
• Move things on my desk
• Comment on the paperwork in my in-box
• Comment LOUDLY on how busy I look
• Try to be funny when you’re incompetent
• Leave your water/coffee/soda on my desk for an insane amount of time
• Eat a banana and throw the rind in my trashcan
• Read me the riot act when I don’t ask you if you want anything for lunch and never offer to pick me up anything if you go out
• Read over my shoulder
• Comment about how you’re going to change things after you’ve been here for three days
• Comment about how I do my job
• Tell me I’m wrong
• Assume that I am stupid because of my age or hair color
• Complain about how hard it is to do a simple task so someone will do it for you
• Come to me minutes before the end of my shift and ask me to do something labor intensive
• Clip your nails
• Provide running commentary on whatever task I’m doing Provide running commentary on whatever you’re observing
• Ignore me
• Accuse me of things that I did (or did not) do; whichever makes me look bad
• Set me up for your falls
• Don’t listen to me
• Complain when I don’t notice your new haircut/glasses/shirt but you don’t notice my new haircut/glasses/shirt
• Call me “kid” (or some variation thereof) because you have a child (or grandchild) my age
• Leave coffee/water/food on the kitchen counter
• “Not my problem”
• “That’s not what I said.”

Yeah, that’s about it off the top of my head.

What pisses you off at work?

The Voice in my Head Has Shouted

“PICK UP YOUR FEET WHEN YOU WALK!!!”

(I’m sure this will turn into word vomit)

And I’m suppposed to tolerate a child?

Bailey has been especially needy lately.
Like not leaving my side.  Ever.
If I get up from the couch, she gets up.  Follows me when I get a glass of water and follows me back to wherever.  Waits by the bathroom door when I shower.  Last night, she tried to come to ballet with me and she didn’t come when Steve called her in.. she went in when I told her to.  I’m getting the backside (as opposed the pawsside) when she comes to bed.
We’re baffled on this new arrangement.
Up until late fall, Bailey was Steve’s Dog.  Not that she hated me, but she would prefer his company… even if it was laying on him while he slept.
We don’t know if it’s the breakfast, the walks (when we could), the treats, the petting…
But this morning, despite her cuteness, I was ready to ring her puppy neck.
For starters, when Steve’s alarm went off, she wedged in between us, which wouldn’t have been so bad had she not rolled up in my half of the blankets.
When it was time to get up, I got a wet bear-bear in the face.
After the shower, she proceeded to do laps around the upstairs, headbutting me on every pass.
As if I never let her out right when I get downstairs, she beelined towards the door and proceeded to get all “puppy eyes” on me.
She came in after taking care of business and followed me around the kitchen, headbutting me whenever I stopped for a nanosecond. 
Mom.  Mom.  Mom.  Mom.  Mom.  Mom.  Mom.  Hungry.  Mom.  Mom.  Mom.  Mom.  Mom.  Mom.  Hungry. Mom.  Mom.
Headbutt and look longingly at food bowl.
Headbutt.
Mom.  Hungry.  Mom.  Hungry.
I crouch down to tie the garbage bag.  She sits, headbutts me, looks at her dish, pouts, headbutt, dish, look, headbutt…
Finally I look at her and sternly exclaim, “I KNOW Bailey.  I get it.  You’re hungry.   Give me one hot minute.”
And then she looks like I scolded her.
Then she pouts at her bowl while I make her wait for water.
Geez dog, you really are practice aren’t you.

Ear Piercing

“If you leave me now” by Chicago makes me want to poke my pen into my ear canal.
That man’s worbling, “awwwww-woooo-aaahhh-oooowwww”.
So, just, annoying.
And right after I get off hearing the song on hold, it plays on my co-workers radio.
*hums “My Own Summer”*