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Without getting into too many details and hopefull not being too vauge, there’s major weighty stuff going on in StephanieLand.
I’ve never been close with my father’s side. It’s not for lack of trying (on my part) but with the exception of my uncle in California (who is actually cool) and my uncle in Ohio (who hasn’t been a dick to me, but was to my Dad), I do not communicate with any of the rest of his family. Not that I talk to Cali/Ohio, but they would accept a phone call.
Dad’s sisters have always been unusually cruel to me and thus, I’ve cut them out of my life, which sadly means that I’ve cut my cousins (who may actually be cool) out of my life.
Well, my one cousin was very ill when she was younger and then she went into like, some kind of remission or something, but now, whatever she had is back. I can openly say “whatever” because I don’t actually know what it is and I hear it third or fourth party.
So, instead of my Evil Aunt calling my Dad (whom she called ALL THE TIME whenever my cousin was younger and having issues… and that’s the only time she called), EA calls her other brother, who then calls my Dad.
Dad calls EA and she gets back to him all whiney (par for the course) and I hear my cousin is really bad off.
Okay, despite what happened between her and Dad, this isn’t about them anymore, it’s about the daughter. You’re telling me that despite your daughter being so very sick, you can not pick up the phone and call your brother, whom you relied so heavily upon previously, to let him know what’s going on.
Jesus Christ, get over yourself.
(P.S. yeah, I still have a lot of anger issues to deal with between EA and I, but even I am teetering on calling her, not talking about me or her, and seeing how my cousin is. And then, when the enviable happens, I’m torn about going and not going. Guess it depends if Dad goes…)
I’ll try not to be too much of a downer, though I’m hoping that writing will quiet the conversations in my head. If things seem very vague, I apologize.
I feel like I’m dealing with a lot of anger. Granted, I’m not traditionally religious, but I’m pretty sure that my anger is rooted towards a higher power.
It’s like, if someone does “all the things they’re supposed to do” why do shitty things happen to them?
Is it some kind of weird cosmic/karma thing? Is what you thought you were supposed to do wrong?
I’m not just talking about how much it sucks that Grandpa is dying, it also sucks that Grandma has to deal with Grandpa’s dying. And we have to deal with Grandpa’s dying. But I feel the worst for Grandma as I can literally tell her heart is breaking every time he coughs.
We all know it is coming, but like all the other inevitable deaths that I’ve had to deal with, knowing doesn’t make it any easier.
Half of me just wants it over with, half of me is feeling like someone who keeps a pet alive because it’s what the owner wants, not necessary what is best for the pet. Sorry for comparing my Grandpa to a pet.
While I know that sitting here pining over the unavoidable isn’t going to change anything, I can’t stop thinking.
I think about my own life… if this is how it goes down, what’s the point of being good? Not saying I’ve lived my life as a saint (I think we all know I’m not a wonderful person, deep down, though I am admittedly less wretched as if late) but what’s the point of epiphanies and the straight and narrow if you just get screwed in the end?!?
Why do bad things happen to good people?
So, in case you haven’t noticed, I’ve been a bit of a pill lately.
Perhaps it was lack of verbalizing what was bothering me (Steve’s not very supportive when it comes to work matters, in fact, his lack of enthusiasm tends to be conversely proportionate to my anger level).
So Heather and I had a good talk, in which she listened and defended my thoughts and then I satisfied that craving for sweet and sour chicken.
After which I ate some cupcake batter (come on, like you never have) and took a long hot shower.
This morning, I realized that if I just come to the conclusion that I can not change this situation and that I am not the problem, things will roll off my shoulders. Perhaps, this will be fodder for the next unfinished book.
I confessed to Heather that I was afraid that falling back into my old eating habits (i.e. solving problems via food) I would completely lose sight of my goals. However (much to Heather’s prediction) I am back on the wagon this morning. Breakfast of fruit/oatmeal, lunch of salad and something good for dinner. Back onto water because thirsting myself doesn’t solve anything.
I am glad that I am back in touch with my feelings.
I slide over to my coworker, “Dude, he POINTS with this middle finger.”
“I don’t really think he was pointing.”
“Neither do I.”
Holy crap.
I’m a bear today. I was a bear last night.
I am seriously unhinged and I can’t pinpoint why.
Even right now, I’m festering, but I don’t know what’s set me off.
The Office Agitator started with me already this morning and I frankly told him, “Look, I’m not really in a mood for humor, so if I seem bearish, it’s nothing personal.”
Holy Shit, what is happening to me?!
Since starting the prescription regime, I can count on one hand the number of times I’ve been really mad… you know, so mad that I realize it… which used to be ALL THE TIME.
So there’s a new person around and they’re basically taking over the duties I took over when we had a shift in management. No big, I got over that part.
Perhaps this is a good time to bring up a good point. I have a VERY hard time dealing with you if you don’t respect me.
Right, so this person comes up and asks me a reasonable question. I begin to answer, realize an error and begin to explain how/why this may have happened. At this point, someone else walks up to the questionee, doesn’t say anything to them, waits for our conversation to end and the questionee turns towards the new arrivee and proceeds to hold a conversation with them.
I WASN’T EVEN IN BETWEEN SENTENCES. I WAS BETWEEN WORDS.
At this point, my jaw just drops open. SassyInnerVoice pulls a “Oh no you didn’t.” I am shocked. Awed.
Really? Did you just decide to end your conversation with me? While I was talking?
When their conversation is over, the questionee goes back to the appropriate location in the cube farm. Doesn’t apologize, doesn’t try to pick up the conversation… ( I came back to write this next part of the paragraph while I was re-reading/revising) And he just asked someone else the same question… (back to original thoughts)
I turn to my co-worker and ask if that really just happened. She nods.
And now I’m beyond pissed.
This is after a conversation we had this morning where they were trying to explain a report to me that I used to handle. Like I’m an idiot. And tells me many times how important it is to get the answers on this problem as the customer is waiting. I explain that I am in the middle of something and I can get to it soon. I then hear them ask two other people (who have little to no experience with the account) to help him. But when YOU ask for something…
And we’re not an overtly nosy group. If you’re sick and you leave, we don’t come out with a “he was puking all over the place so he left.” We’re “He left.” receptionists. Questionee is pumping us for information… DUDE, they left. What else do you need to know?
It’s almost like if he doesn’t like or agree with the answer, he will ask more people until he’s satisfied. Maybe he thinks we’re lying to him and he’s checking for inconsistencies.
My quandary is how to tell this person that if they don’t respect me, I will not help them; but keeping with Office Friendly Conversation. I’ve been working really hard to keep my emotional tenderness is check, but I’m really upset about this.
Peeps is sayin'