Monday, November 12, 2001
And please explain this:
“Now with more chocolate taste”
and this is from a candy bar with a coating of chocolate.
If there’s more chocolate taste now, what did it taste like before?
Is there such a thing a “less chocolate”?
Is that like discombobulated?
Tuesday, November 20, 2001
Wednesday, December 05, 2001
synchronized restroom use is a very weird thing
(This was Steve and my first “real date”)
Thursday, December 06, 2001
Ranking pretty high on the list of
Things You Don’t Want to Hear Your Mechanic Say is:
“Well, we didn’t believe you about the cruise control, but we looked under the hood, and, well, I haven’t seen anything like that.”
Monday, December 10, 2001
Wednesday, December 19, 2001
You know you want it.
Wednesday, January 09, 2002
Wednesday, January 16, 2002
I’m driving and say something about the sun.
He makes an oh-holy-one noise (like churchish- you know what I mean).
I almost drive into a pillion. “I thought I was the only one who did that!”
“I thought I was the only one who did that.”
Frightened or Delighted?
(Note from 2008: Ah, The Trip to Cleveland…)
Thursday, January 24, 2002
When my best friend gets his heart broken, why does it break mine too?
For years, RaceCarDriver and I have grown closer and apart, then more close, and less apart.
The last over-a-year-ish, he’s been with a girl who’s driven me insane with jealously; being that she got him and I didn’t.
Well, as we often do, we separated and found other happiness.
No sooner then I become interested in a hockey player, then opportunity rears it’s head.
I wish he didn’t live 4 hours away.
There’s nothing more I’d like to do then pick up 3 movies, some chips/dip/popcorn/ice cream and sit with him on his couch and listen to him talk.
I want to be his shoulder, because I’m his friend, and I always want to stay that way.
Monday, January 28, 2002
“Look at us, All Drunk and Happy”
What a weekend!
Friday I got these great tickets to the Sabers/Lighting game. Then I went to a house party, and later (after dropping his broken collarboned friend off at home) I met my hockey player out for beers and socialization.
Saturday we went to a party after I went up to the outlet mall and home depot.
I want a PS2, if for nothing more then to play Simpsons Road Rage.
Although my hockey player’s score did kick the living snot out of all who dared challenge him, it was as hoot anyways.
It was a fun weekend.
I was supposed to learn how to ice skate on Sunday, but the rink had a broken water main.
Only thing I can figger is that they knew I was a liability and purposely broke the main so I couldn’t skate
(Please feed into Stephanie’s Conspiracy Theory Fund).
In other news:
I remember what it’s like to be breathless.
Monday, February 04, 2002
Quick run down, to be continued later…
I lodged with Dan, who had a friend, Crazy Nick, who is the female version of me.
Dan had nicknamed me “Guppy” for the fact that I never am still…. now, imagine 2 guppies…
So, talking to my friend….
me: I THINK NICK AND I DROVE DAN CRAZY IN ABOUT 15 SECONDS. I THINK THAT’S A LANDSPEED RECORD
him: We all had faith in you. Actually, we were surprised that it took you THAT long.
As my cat walks all over him…
him- You know, I’m just not found of your cat.
me- Just my cat or cats in general?
him- right now, just your cat.
me- why? she doesn’t do anything to you.
him- she looks at me.
cat hops on teddy bear
me- she’s a cat, that’s her job.
him- I mean, she gives me the evil eye. (looks towards cat, who is purring and kneeding contently on my teddy bear) And then she tries to eat my toes.
me- she’s not bad! She’s my kitty.
him- I just don’t like her looking at me… (towards cat) Go away.
me- you just wait until I unleash my Feline Army upon you.
me- … full of claws and whiskers, ‘meow!’
him- (looks towards door) my, look at the time.
Tuesday, February 12, 2002
Stephanie’s adventures in Christian Radio
In the many many miles I drove and got lost last night, I decided to listen to some call in Christian radio show.
Okay… first of all, the answer guy, he never really answered the question.
Secondly, I think that it’s a pre-requisite that you have to go to “Preacher Enunciation School” if you’re going to properly quote the bible.
It seems like every evangelistic speaks the same… think about it…
“Lam-ah of God-ah”
And you too can be a preacher, Or at least talk like one.
Please send me 19.95 plus 59.95 shipping and handling and I will send-ah you the dee-fin-a-tive guy-de to talk-ing like a ree-ligous leed-der.
Tuesday, February 19, 2002
I feel like a Woman
Picture this: I’m leaning against my boyfriend, who is lying against the back of the couch. I’ve got one leg on the ottoman, one leg on the floor, a beer on my stomach. A commercial for Sweet November comes on.
I say: “Sheesh. What a chick flick!” (slug beer) (glance from boyfriend) “I mean, if you’re into that….”
Tuesday, February 26, 2002
Wednesday, February 27, 2002
Monday I got my leg stuck in a turnstile (no, I’m not quite sure how it happened either).
Within an hour, it started going all purple and splotchy.
Last night, I show off my battle wound to my boyfriend.
him- really, it’s not that bad. You’ve seen mine, those were worse. it’s honestly not that bad.
me- is that like when you tell your buddy who just lost a bar fight that ‘it’s not that bad’ just so he’ll think it doesn’t hurt?
better living though IB
In my ow-I’m-in-pain thoughtfulness, I decided to try and wean off the Motrin and see how my legs feels.
Rather then taking 2 pills every four hours, I tried one.
Moral: one pill works exactly half of the time of two, that’s why you take two.
Wednesday, March 06, 2002
The things we do for, well, I don’t think it’s love
It’s only been about a year since I stopped being a veggie, so the concept of pre-hamburger and pre-steak really bothers me.
I decided that I’m going to make kabobs for my boyfriend.
Kabobs mean that steak has to be cubed.
I think it mooed at me.
Anyways, I chopped this dead cow up, put it in a freezer bag with some steak sauce and went to bed…
I feel like I should feel bad.
But I don’t.
I feel hungry.
Saturday, March 09, 2002
Defining Moment #12
I always like doing work (be it home improvement, car, or anything non-9to5-related) with boyfriends.
I think it helps give a peek into how that person really is.
Today I was helping the boyfriend pull up the tiling from the kitchen.
Only a handful of times did he have to tell me where to point the paint-peeling-gun… all the rest of the time, we smiled at each other and cracked jokes under our breath.
My ex (“We’re ex’s for a reason.” as explained to the current boyfriend) was able to work with my dad without communication… but when we’d work together (I’ll one day tell the bed-assembly-fiasco story) it was all we could do to keep from killing each other with screwdrivers.
Don’t judge a book by how well he gets along with your parents. Put him on the scales with you.
(feeling rather Fortune Cookie-ish)
Friday, March 15, 2002
Stephanie’s Misfortune Cookie of the Day
That Thing You Do
Even though I had funky fish-eating-fish dreams last night, there was something wonderful about falling asleep, having my hair petted.
Oddly, when he’s around, I feel ultra-domesticated… I enjoy waking up and making coffee.
I even woke up early, so I could get to work early, so I could leave early, just to go see him early.
He kissed me good-bye, and I still feel him on my lips.
I don’t mind spooning; even when I get too warm. I can’t bring myself to pull away from him.
And I don’t tell him any of this.
I’m afraid of scaring him away.
Chicago-Guy and I have a term, “Chasing the Dragon”. It’s that bubbly just-can’t-get-enough feeling that you get from someone when you start seeing each other.
I like Chasing the Dragon.
I hate losing that feeling.
I can’t help but think it’s wrong not to tell him because I’m scared that he’ll go.
Thus: Stephanie Inner Battle.
Does she open up and tell him how she feels, and risk it? Or does she keep her trap shut for a few months to make sure that this is what she really feels?
Tuesday, March 26, 2002
Make it Stop
Today is Day Four Without Boyfriend.
I just got a sudden wave of sadness… thinking about his voice, his touch, the way his pillows have a funny smell…
I’m torn… is it better that I really don’t talk to him or anything? I mean, this is really tough, but somehow I think that if I had communication with him, it’d be all the harder.
I’d be happy listening to him breathe.
Wednesday, March 27, 2002
pinky and the brain gone bad
him: yes, our plan for world domination is almost complete
(walking by a open Labatt delivery truck)
me: yes, but where are we going to find that much beer at 2 in the afternoon?
him: (looking) excellent.
Thursday, April 18, 2002
keeping it real
me: so we played tennis yesterday…
co-worker: you’re turning on me!
co-worker: you’re going all suburban! You’re changing!
me: no way! have you looked at me? I am not suburban!
co-worker: girl ain’t even keeping it real…
me: (jumping) Yo! I’m straight outta Oak Park Drive!
It was the most suburban-sounding place I could think of.
Monday, April 29, 2002
and a drop in my insurance rate.
I was scared after finding chicken breasts from April of 2001.
Tuesday, April 30, 2002
P-36 Space Modulator
So, being a spit from Canada, I get a lot of Canadian Radio in the morning.
This morning I was treated to CBC radio, where they were talking about providing inmates with Methadone.
The expert sounded so much like Marvin the Martian that I kept expecting him to end every sentence with a comment about blowing up the earth.
Thanks to TV, I can’t take people who sound like Kermit the Frog, Marvin the Martian or Buckwheat seriously.
Wednesday, May 01, 2002
Dinner! It’s what’s for lunch.
We ordered pizza and wings for dinner last night, and being in the Almighty Rush, I grabbed a slice of pie for lunch.
The toaster at work burns everything (just like the coffee maker) and now my lunch looks more like something from a bad sci-fi movie then something edible.
I can see the movie poster already… Some 1950′s woman, hair in a beehive, screaming behind:
It Came From the Same Fridge that Had Really Old Food in the Freezer
Phonetic to Make it Funny
he says something with this odd polish-guy-from-NYC accent… then again, I sometimes get the 2 confused.
me: what? you from New Yourk now?
him: naw. What made you say dat?
me: well, you keep saying things like “tree” (three) and “dat dare”.
him: oh… well, I used to say tree right, and I still can, but it’s more relaxing to say ‘tree’.
me: more relaxing? (starting to giggle like a schoolgirl) I didn’t know english could be relaxing.
Thursday, May 02, 2002
him: so, what are you doing Friday?
him: (flabbergasted) nothing?!
me: (confused) nothing yet?
him: good answer! Well, I’d like to see you for a couple hours on Friday
[bear in mind that we typically spend the whole weekend together]
me: (gruff) A few hours?! Why? What’s happening Friday?
him: well, I need a date….
me: I can be a date!
him: (kinda shy) okay… because I wanted to know if you wanted to see Tea Party with me
[TP is on of my FAVORITE bands]
What makes this so, monumental… I know that he’s not a big concert freak like myself… I mean, he likes them, but he won’t go out of his way. So he went out and planned something that he knows I like…
I’m just all, I dunno… like, it’s a very good thing… I think I’m astounded.
Astounded that he thinks of me and does things that I like to do, even if it’s not his favorite thing to do.
He’ll get the Excited-Girlfriend-Hug later….
Friday, May 03, 2002
Tuesday, May 07, 2002
I saw the DUMBEST commercial yesterday
(snipped and pulled from an IM conversation, thus the overuse of the word, “and”)
You know those butter commercials, where the hands are all animated?
Well, it was the same premise.
But the “dad” comes home… and there’s a loaf of bread and some shitty spead butter and a note, “Your favorite… love, mom and baby” (so already I’m like, “blech”) and he turns on the baby monitor, to hear the mom singing to the baby.
He butters the bread, walks past the dog and up the stairs…
And it cuts to a shot of the monitor, and you hear the mom say “look honey, daddy’s home” and the dad says, all sympathetically, “yes, I’m home”.
And that’s it.
I sat there, and said, out loud, to no one, “that is the fucking stupidest commercial I’ve ever seen”.
Friday, May 17, 2002
Correct, but wrong, answer
him: … it’s just the lack of, brains, in some people….
me: (noise, somewhere between “duh”, “um”, and “ah”)
him: (looking wide-eyed)
me: that was, quite possibly, the worst, but most appropriate response.
Monday, June 17, 2002
Friday, June 28, 2002
Sometime between years 6 and 9:
I was very excited.
My dad used to go to work really early in the morning, so he’d be up around 530 or 6am.
I was already having problems sleeping, so I sat outside of their bedroom door, plotting how to wake them up.
It was decided that I would knock.
Dad was snoring, and it still may have been dark out, I can’t remember.
*knock knock a little louder*
“It’s my birthday!”
“It’s 4 in the morning.”
“I know, but this way we can do presents before dad goes to work!”
“It’s 4 in the morning. GO BACK TO BED!”
And for that, I had to wait until my Dad got home from work before I could open anything.
I never ever woke my parents up again for a holiday/birthday.
Even now, it’ll be 11 before they roll out of bed, and I’ll be watching TV, drinking coffee and listening to, “Why didn’t you wake us up?!”
And then mom bounces around singing, “PRESENTS! PRESENTS! PRESENTS!” and refuses to make breakfast…
I got this HUGE Magnavox boom box.
It boasted 5 speakers, 2 tape decks (this was 1989 remember), high speed dubbing and it was sunshine yellow.
It ate about 6 c-cells and weighed a metric ton.
The first things that Dad and I did with it? Carve my name in the bottom, in case it got stolen; play with the built in mike; and I carried that thing up and down the street, blaring New Kids on the Block.
A dozen 7-10 year old girls gather giggling around a cake.
Dad is proud of his new video camera.
Mom lights the candles and the girls oh-and-ah over the flames.
Dad is telling Megan to move her glass, he can’t see the cake…
Girls finish singing, “to yooooooouuuu!!!”.
I take in a big breath and wooosh out all the candles.
All the girls giggle and are excited for cake and ice cream.
The candles light back up.
Those silly parents, they got trick candles!
Dad reminds Megan to move her glass again.
I blow out the candles.
Yeah for cake.
And with a mighty BAWOOOSH the candles re-re-light, making quite an impressive mecha-flame.
Oblivious Dad is telling Megan to move her glass, the girls are silent with shock and Mom is going, “Jerry? Jerry! JERRY JERRY JERRY THE CAKE IS ON FIRE!!!” The smoke alarm is beeping, the girls are now screaming, scared that they will be burned with the cake and house…
A graceful swooping motion, and mom whisks the cake into the kitchen sink, water on full blast…
The girls are sad they have no cake, but are happy they’re not dead.
Year one or two
I was whisked from the floor, where I was quietly playing with barbies, and plopped into the kitchen…
I was confronted with clown cake and the evil gramma.
Both of which are frightening and detested.
That was a bad birthday.
I think I’m done eating.
Wednesday, July 17, 2002
The least you can do is feign interest
This could also be titled “Number 854 in the list of things that piss me off”.
My dad bitched about me not showing him pics from Mexico… so I bring down the photo album and he flips though, while watching TV.
Like TV was more important.
Like that show will never be on again.
I’m trying not to sound all whiney about it, but if you ask me a question, then get distracted by TV, don’t bother asking.
Reminds me of when I was little (wavy memory lines):
dad- not now.
dad- not now Stephanie.
me- no, I mean it… dad…
dad- Can you wait till a commercial?
me- I don’t think I should…
dad- (blurts out random wrong answer)
me- I think you should look at the ci–
And at that moment, the dripping from the ceiling blossomed into a full fledged downpour. Tiles came crashing along with an extraordinary amount of water.
dad- why didn’t you tell me?
me- you were too busy watching Family Double Dare.
No, that wasn’t changed to make it more funny. He really was watching Double Dare.
Friday, July 19, 2002
boyfriend and I were discussing giving blood.
me: it hurts like hell. Besides, I don’t want my blood to go to some dying serial killing convict.
him: but if your blood goes to the convict, someone else’s can go to the dying cancer kid.
me: you suck. I’m still not doing it.
I manage to find the best in a situation, but damn, he’s got me beat.
Friday, July 26, 2002
“Naw, right done back yon forty-two, I’s was the leader in the carrira pige-yon fight rings. Yeah, twas a hard job, and un of dem dare pige-yons done got tosseded right into my ankle yonder. And thats why every-a few months, I’s need to wear this here ankle brace. (heartfelt yelling) YA DAMN PIGE-YONS! I’M GLAD YUR EXTINCTED!!!! (shaking fist at the sky)”
I’m a clusterfuck and fell down a flight of stairs, 7 years ago, and screwed up my achelies tendon. When it’s humid, I hurt. And that’s why I wear an ankle brace.
Monday, July 29, 2002
me: so, the last time I saw you was Wednesday Morning right?
him (being boyfriend): yeah.. I think so.
me: so tell me… why does it feel like soooooo long ago?
him: um, cuz you’re crazy?
me: that explains the voices in my head
him: you should come over.
me: it’s not like you’re around the corner (he’s not… he lives 29.6 miles away).
him: sure I am, it’s just a big corner.
me: yeah, it’s called a LAKE.
him: so I did something today.
him: oh, you want to know what!?
me: you can’t just tell me something like that then leave off!
him: well… one of those people from Discover card called today.
him: they wanted to give me 1.9% for a transfer.
him: and I told them that someone was offering me 0%.
him: and they said that they would offer me 0% too
me: (yawn, thrilling) …
him: so I transferred over half the jet ski payments.
Is it just me, or when someone says they did something, are you expecting a big great story? Maybe one with a point?
‘So, Bob, what’d you do this weekend?’ , ‘Transferred my balance from Visa to Discover’, (high fives all about)
Wednesday, July 31, 2002
*tap tap* Is this thing on?
Dear Other Drivers.
Today, I’d like to talk about Construction.
Here in Buffalo, there are 2 seasons: Winter, and, Construction.
This is Construction Season.
This should be nothing new to you, fellow driver, as I’m sure you didn’t just fall from the sky into your Olds… nor, did you move back from South Carolina.
Right Lane Closed
Please, tell me what part of this sign is not clear enough for you.
The DOT even put an arrow on the BRIGHT ORANGE sign to tell you go stay to the left.
On a related note, don’t pull out of the merged line and into the “I can’t read… why is there traffic? Oh yeah, and merging for me means squeezing in even though it means endangering the live of about 10 people” line. This may get you closer up in line, but it will piss off all the other people, who can read, and did merge, YOU INCONSIDERATE ASSHOLE.
We decide it’s a lovely day for boating and various watersports.
Boyfriends mom brought water skis, and boyfriend had the tow rope, so we loaded the boat with 20-somethings and headed out on the lake.
Boyfriend gets in the water, holds the rope, someone on the boat checked it’s attachment to the boat– all a go… boyfriends friend starts the boat up, boyfriend starts to wobble up, and there goes a ski!
So boyfriend lets go of the rope…and the boat let go of the rope… and in a twisted fury, the rope propels across the lake, where it promptly sunk.
Approximate Fun Time: 30 seconds.
Monday, September 09, 2002
a moment of domestic-ism
Last night we, well he, grilled steaks (only slightly over done) and I attempted baked potatos (only slightly under done).
He seasoned the steaks, I pierced the potatoes with a fork and in some magical moment, it was just us in the world, happily tolling away in the kitchen, opening patio doors and generally being quiet and helpful to each other.
Friday, September 13, 2002
(note from 2008: Some things never change…)
Monday, September 30, 2002
NP: Tonight Tonight by Smashing Pumpkins
Setting: First Date, sitting in his Blazer. It’s about 4 AM. We’ve closed down Fridays and some local bar.
Scene Set up: We’ve just talked about how we should say goodbye; a handshake? a hug? (gasp) a kiss?
Deep down, I know this is something.
Something is happening.
This whole thing wasn’t just some chance meeting.
I know that this isn’t going to be our last date. I know that I’m not going to be able to pull a Swingers (waiting 3 days to call).
I am going to want to see this boy consistently and in large blocks of time.
And when we decided to kiss, this song reached the pinnacle “Toooooooooniiiiiiiiiggggggghhhhht, Tonight”.