For some reason, our house has been plagued by these larger than normal, winged ants.
Steve’s gone around selective squirting bug-a-cide to little avail.
I came home from work and vacuumed up dozen creepy carcasses… there were two live ones and while I PLLLFFFT!d one, the second one tried to hide, which required my outsmarting an ant.
Stephanie 1, Giant Flying Ant 0.
I came home from yoga and had to use the bathroom.
The pets are all to the “WE MUST PROTECT YOU!” phase, so of course they all lumber upstairs with me.
Buffy came into the bathroom, Kai kept watch outside the bathroom door and Bailey stared off into space on the top step.
So, there I sit with my pants around my ankles when I hear a roaring buzz.
I look and one of the GIANT ants has landed on my work pants, which are hanging on the towel rack.
Naturally, I screamed. Which scared Buffy.
I get the fly off my pants and it’s crawling around on my bathroom floor.
“Commear Kali! Come here! Look! Look!”, I say, pointing to the rug, hoping that her killing instinct would kick in. She walks past the ant and starts nuzzingly my hand.
“Buffy! Come here! Look!” By now I’m batting the mutant flying ant away from me with “What to Expect When You’re Expecting”; you know, as opposed to crushing said ant with said book, which would be gross.
Buffy replies by hopping in the bathtub, “MOW”ing.
“You two are f-ing useless!”, I cry, grabbing a wad of toilet paper.
I knew if I didn’t get the ant rightnow, he’d get into my shower curtain to make more flying ants and generally scare the piss out of me.
Meanwhile, Kali’s in the hallway.
And Bailey’s downstairs barking at something in the street that could possibly be interested in coming into the house and stealing her toys or hurting me.
I caught him and threw him in the toilet and the jerk starts SWIMMING!
After I got done screaming at it, I threw another piece of toilet paper on him and flushed.
And that, ladies and gentlemen, is how I defeated a giant mutant ant. On my own.